Movie Review of Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe

Welcome to the online home of Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe, the greatest movie ever made. I would like to spread the message of this epic movie and personally see to it that it gets the recognition that it deserves. You are always welcome to post whatever you want on this page, but most of the discussions on here should be related to Abraxas. I would now like to give you my mission statement regarding Abraxas. Over the course of the next few millenia, I will try to devote as much time as possible towards informing the public about the greatness of this movie. I am generally an extremely busy person, so this will obviously take some time. I will post blogs with theories regarding the movie and encourage discussions. I invite everyone to help out and give your ideas regarding Abraxas and the folklore that goes along with the movie. Feel free to e-mail me with suggestions, pictures, theories, or questions or just post them on here. My ultimate goal is to put together all of the theories that we come up with regarding Abraxas and start the Church of Abraxas. I will be the author of The Book of Abraxas. It is clear to me that this movie was conceived by a power that is greater than mankind. Therefore, we must learn everything we can, and hopefully someday figure out the anti-life equation. There is no answer other than to create a religion based on Abraxas mythology. All non-believers will be discorporated!!!!!! My review of this movie should at least give everyone an overview and a general understanding of this film. So read my review, go buy the movie, at let’s set the wheels in motion. We’re starting a motherfucking revolution man. This shit is really happening. We’re going to have heads on every street corner man. Doors of perception will be blown wide fucking open, just wait.

Abraxas: Guardian of the universe is a brilliantly scripted masterpiece acted out by Jesse the Body Ventura and Sven-Ole-Thorsen with a special cameo from James Belushi. It is a true triumph of the human spirit. In all honesty, I don’t think that I’ve ever seen a movie with such great acting, and it’s jam-packed with action. The whole point of this movie is for Abraxas to prevent his ex-partner Secundus (Ole-Thorsen) from obtaining the anti-life equation, which will destroy all creation. Abraxas could take the easy road and kill the child (Tommy, also known as the Colmater) who possesses the equation, but instead decides to do battle with Secundus one on one. The main thing that the movie fails to include is what the anti-life equation really is. That is why I’m still holding out hope that there will be a sequel. All I know is that although the anti-life equation was not revealed, the “how to create an epic movie” equation is spelled out perfectly: S-V-E-N. Ole-Thorsen’s godlike performance propels this movie onto a whole new level once thought unattainable by the human race. You will be absolutely blown away by this enchanting Dutch actor.

One cannot forget Ventura’s admirable performance as well. This movie really gave him a chance to show off his amazing acting range. His performance included classic lines such as: “My Box has VD, Vibration Detection”; “Run Tommy, RUUUUUNNNNN!”; “Stop! I require ground transportation!”; and of course “Quick Tommy! Take off your pants and touch your toes, I need to search your rectal cavity for the anti-life equation.” Boy it must have been really convenient for the director, knowing that Ventura and Thorsen played alien robots in the movie. It takes a special breed of actor to pull that off. Honestly, I would put the performances of Sven-Ole Thorsen and Jesse Ventura on the same platform as say Deniro and Walken in “Deer Hunter”, or maybe more like Bridget the midget and Mr. 18″ Tony Duncan in 18″ vs. 18″.

As for special effects, I really thought it was cool how every time Secundus killed somebody, they would just disappear. There was no need for blood or a decapitated body, Sven using his answer box (FYI: My answer box has VD) to make people disappear is all I need to be happy with this movie. Also of note is the all-purpose 80’s B-Movie music found in the background throughout the movie. It sounded more like porno music than anything else. Having porno music playing in the background while these two hulking Adonises battled it out heightened the atmosphere of intense masculinity.

Yet another great feature of this movie is the fact that it is supposed to be about an “intergalactic cop” and aliens yet every character in the movie looks just like an earthling and there are no scenes that take place in space. Clearly the producers felt that they had strong enough acting that they didn’t need to expend any money on fancy scenery. Besides, I would have been totally confused if there were actual aliens or if a scene took place in space. They kept it simple and placed more of an emphasis on character development.
On a final note, I would like to add that I really appreciate the fact that Jim Belushi took time out of his busy schedule to make a special appearance as the school Principal. He obviously sacrificed quite a bit for this movie. I heard a rumor that he was penciled in to play “Chavez” in the Movie Young Guns 2 but lost the role to Lou Diamond Phillips because he didn’t want to miss out on the opportunity to work on Abraxas. This was clearly Belushi’s heyday, what with his roles in highly regarded films such as Curly Sue and Mr. Destiny. Appearing in Abraxas during that time in addition to the aforementioned masterpieces must have made Belushi feel as though he was on a pussy train headed straight for the moon. So in summation, order this movie, call all of your friends, get some beers, snort an ungodly amount of special K, and watch ABRAXAS: GUARDIAN OF THE UNIVERSE!!!!!

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Tags: Abraxas, Jesse Ventura, Jim Belushi, Sci-fi, Secundus, Special K, Sven

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