A Night at the Movies: 18″ vs. 18″, Starring Mr. 18″ Tony Duncan

I recently came to the realization that while I’ve informed you all of the greatness of the best movie ever: “Abraxas Guardian of the Universe”, as well as the third greatest movie ever: “No One Would Tell”, I have yet to give you a review of the second best movie of all time.  Now, I will tell you my story about the first time I saw the undisputed second best movie ever created.  So kick back and relax, grab a tub of popcorn as well as some cola and a box of Mike and Ike’s, and enjoy my newest reflection “A Night at the Movies: 18″ vs. 18″, starring Mr. 18″ Tony Duncan and Bridget the Midget.”

Our story took place in Las Vegas around Christmas time 2005. I was drinking heavily at a bar, trying to score some action. I remember sitting at the bar by myself when this beautiful woman approached me. Let me tell you, she was absolutely stunning. She was tall with long blonde hair, and had the face of an angel accompanied by a body that just wouldn’t quit. Her name was Bukkake Betsy. She was truly a classy broad to say the least. As luck would have it she asked me if I needed some company for the evening. I thought to myself “sure why not?” She said she would go out with me for $75. I felt extremely privileged that a girl like this took interest in me. She was so hot that you had to pay to go out with her, how about that? Clearly she was in a league of her own. That name, Bukkake, it sounds Italian to me which makes her even hotter. Who wouldn’t pay to go on a date with an exotic, high society Euro-hottie like that? She wanted to go back to her hotel room immediately, but I insisted on taking her out beforehand because I’m such a gentleman. I decided to take her to a movie that my nephew told me about called 18″ vs. 18″, which was playing at a rather dumpy theater on the edge of town. It featured Mr. 18″ Tony Duncan, who is pictured below.

and Bridget the Midget, pictured here:

I knew that there were plenty of good choices during the holiday season, but felt that 18″ vs. 18″ would be the best.

I remember walking into the theater with my head held high because I was so proud to be seen in public with Bukakke Betsy. What made it even better was the fact that I was the only guy in the theater who brought a date. The rest of them just sat there by themselves with tissues in their hands, which gave me the impression that this movie would be every bit as riveting as my 6-year-old nephew has told me it would be. Finally the moment arrived and the lights went out. There were a couple of previews before the movie. The first one was for an upcoming DVD release called “Anal Offender IV” which is a sci-fi picture about time travel. The second preview was for the newest Ernest movie, titled: “Pedophile Necrophilliac Ernest.” What will that crazy Ernest do next?

After the previews, 18″ vs. 18″ started. The first and only scene of the movie started off with Mr. 18″ Tony Duncan lifting weights in his backyard. After a few reps, Bridget the Midget popped into the scene to deliver Mr. 18″ Tony Duncan a pizza. It was an 18″ extra large pizza with extra sausage. Bridget the Midget stated that its’ cost was “$18, a dollar for every inch”. Unfortunately, Mr. 18″ forgot that he didn’t have any cash on him, so he asked Bridget if there was any other way he could compensate her for the delectable extra sausage pie. Thankfully Mr. 18″ was in luck, because Bridget had an idea. Once again, she said “$18, a dollar for every inch”. Then Mr. 18″ told her, “an inch for every dollar huh?”, and he unzipped his pants and revealed that he had a third arm concealed in them. The arm was gigantic and black, and it had no fingers, just a bell-shaped knob at the end. Then Mr. 18″ offered to give Bridget the Midget the workout of her life in return for the pizza.

They started off by doing some boxing. Mr. 18″ Tony Duncan used his third arm to help Bridget the Midget in some sparring exercises. The result, well it was a one-sided affair to say the least. The match started off with Mr. 18″ landing some serious blows to Bridget’s face. After sustaining numerous unrequited jabs directly to the face, Bridget the Midget was able to retaliate by strangling Mr. 18’s third arm and she started sucking on it; almost as if to flaunt the fact that her boxing abilities were increasing so rapidly that she wasn’t afraid to look straight down the “barrel” of the “gun”. This was a mistake as it enabled Mr. 18″ to land a knock out punch to Bridget’s uvula. After the fight was over Mr. 18″ was a good sport about winning and helped Bridget the Midget out by applying some topical cream all over her face with his third arm so her wounds would heal quicker.

By this point in the movie, about a dozen of the single men in the theater had enlisted the help of Bukkake Betsy so that they could try and emulate the boxing scene. These guys weren’t messing around either; they held no reservations when throwing some jabs of their own right at Bukkake Betsy as she stood on her knees egging them on. Betsy was a good sport about it, and she charged each guy $20 a-piece for the practice lesson so she made an absolute killing!

As far as the movie goes, Mr. 18″ was not done with Bridget after the boxing match. He had Bridget do a headstand on his weight bench and assisted her in doing some kegel exercises. Bridget proved to be more than up for the task as Mr. 18″ used his third arm to stretch her pubococcygeus muscles repeatedly. This exercise was very intense. In fact, Bridget was feeling the burn so much that she began to scream at the top of her lungs at Mr. 18″ Tony Duncan. She was yelling all kinds of nonsensical things like: “Oh yea, fuck me hard!” “Oh shit this feels so fucking good!,” and “Oh boy, that tickles my ribcage!” Clearly Mr. 18″ is one of the premier fitness trainers out there.

Finally the movie ended and we headed back to Bukkake Betsy’s hotel. When we got back to her room she immediately took her clothes off. It was right then that I knew that if it weren’t for Mr. 18″ Tony Duncan, I wouldn’t have gotten anywhere that night. Before lying down on the bed, Betsy offered me a special drink that she had concocted. I don’t know what was in the drink, but it must have been very strong because I completely blacked out after consuming it. My recollection of the rest of the night from that point on is non-existent. All I know is that when I woke up, I was laying naked in a bathtub full of ice with a phone by my hand and a note that read: “Your kidneys have been cut out. Call 911 immediately!” and Bukkake Betsy was nowhere to be found. Boy we really must have painted the town red the night before!!!

I spent the next 7 months on life support in a hospital until I got a kidney transplant. I spent most of the time thinking about the effect that this wonderful movie had on me. I thought of trying to get a hold of Tony Duncan to see if he would be my new physical therapist, but decided against it because I think you would have to be in very good shape to endure even the lightest workout with him. Nevertheless, I found his movie to be highly inspirational. The message of 18″ vs. 18″ is clear. Mr. 18″ Tony Duncan proves that you can splurge every once in a while and eat something like an 18″ extra sausage pizza as long as you balance it out with proper exercise. I think that it’s great that an actor with such immense talent chooses to do educational and independent movies that really mean something in lieu of jumping on the Hollywood bandwagon. In conclusion, I give 18″ vs. 18″ three arms up, and would recommend it to people of all ages who are interested in living a healthier lifestyle. Actually, I’ve taken Mr. 18’s message to heart and have steadily lost about 85 pounds since seeing this movie a little over a year and a half ago. Mr. 18″ Tony Duncan has changed my life, and he can change yours too; all it costs is a dollar an inch.

This blog was originally written by me on 7/18/2007

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