The Great Mormon Caper

Traditionally I try not to tell actual stories from my life on here like most bloggers do, mainly because I don’t really find very many of them to be interesting at all. Besides, if I gave you a daily entry about what I did, it would pretty much be the same every day as I lead a very boring life. It would read something like: Well, I got up and went to work from 10-4, had class from 5-8:30, did some random errands, studied half-assedly for awhile, caught an episode of South Park, and finally cried myself to sleep for 2 hours like I do every night. Who wants to hear about that? But now I would like to tell a story to you about a series of events that occurred about 6 years ago. I think what makes this story so special to me is the fact that I’m the type of person who always comes up with crazy ideas and says bizarre things but in reality I rarely actually carry through with any of my crazy ideas (unless I’m severely intoxicated of course). By reading some of the stuff I write here, you may think that I should be locked up and in a straightjacket. But the truth is that I’m pretty much a big non-risk taking pussy when it comes down to it and I’m much more passive, nice and morally upright than I let on. Hell, I don’t have anything worse than a parking ticket on my criminal record! But this story is different. This was a rare case of me taking a risk and creating warm and fuzzy memories that would last a lifetime. The real beauty of it is that I was in no way intoxicated, as the only really stupid things I do usually happen when I’m completely shitfaced.

The story revolves around 4 separate visits by some soul-solicitors that called themselves Latter Day Saints. Oh, sorry, I don’t think they deserve the distinction of being referred to as proper nouns, so we’ll call them ladder day saints. The first three visits were entertaining, but it was the final fourth visit that proved to be one of my defining moments. Before I begin, I would like to reiterate that this is 100% true and 110% sick and evil. I have friends that can verify that every single event took place, including a couple right here on myspace. This is my first non-fiction post.

It started off on a summer evening back in 2001. My friend Otis and I were hanging out in my living room when some Mormons, I’m sorry, mormons knocked on my door. I greeted them and they introduced themselves to me and asked me if I wanted to talk about God with them. I don’t know why, but I said: “Oh Yeah, come on in!” Then the mormons began to ask us about what we thought of their religion. My friend Otis was telling them that he was a Rastafarian and was making up bullshit off the top of his head to make it look like he was trying to convert them. I was relatively lame on this visit. I simply told them that I wasn’t interested and that there was absolutely no way that they were going to convert me. But their wills were strong. They handed me the book of mormon and asked me to read aloud a scripture and then talk about what I thought it meant. Just as I began to read, my roommate Jason came in the door. The look on his face when he saw what we were doing was absolutely priceless! Honestly, where on your list of things you expect to see when you get home would “my friends talking to mormons in my living room” rank? He retreated to the kitchen for a moment and came back with some beers. They asked us if this was what we usually did every night and Jason replied by saying: “no…..There’s usually way more drugs.” Then for some reason Jason feigned interest in their religion and invited them to come back the next day. They left and we began planning one of the best mind-fucks of all time.

Sure enough they came back the next day to talk to Jason, but unfortunately he wasn’t there. It was also unfortunate for the mormons that our TV directly faced the front door. This is because my friend the “Gas Man” had brought over the movie 18″ vs. 18″ starring Mr. 18″ Tony Duncan and Bridget the Midget and it was being screened in my living room at the time of their arrival (find out more about 18″ vs. 18″ in my previous blog entry). Needless to say the mormons were stunned. But they still decided to come back the next day to talk to my roommate. Unfortunately he was not home once again. But as my other roommate Matt told them to come back later I did manage to set the tone for the following evening’s fiasco. I ran downstairs and pulled the Chris Farley trick by rolling on the floor and yelling “BEES!! They’ll kill us all!! Run for your lives!”

Finally the long awaited visit came (that is, they finally came when Jason was home). The mormons thought that my roommate was genuinely interested in their religion, so they sat down to talk with him. I was on the phone when they arrived and abruptly ended my conversation but pretended like I was still on the phone. I stood in the next room talking rather loudly and first said “yea, I fucked that chick in the ass last night hardcore” as well as some other similar ramblings. Then I used a variation of a Homer Simpson line by saying: “yea they sucked. In fact, they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!” On that cue Jason yelled at me to stop; and I replied by saying into the phone:

“Whoops, gotta go, some damn wiener mormons are listening.”

This was just the tip of the iceberg. After I was done with the phone gag, I went into the kitchen where my friend Erin was waiting to perform our next feat. We stood in the kitchen and yelled at each other at the top of our lungs, hurling excessive profanities at one another without disdain. At one point in the exchange, I remember calling her a fucking cheating bitch or something to that effect. Then she replied by saying “maybe if you didn’t have such a fucking small penis!” After she said that, I grabbed a frying pan and smashed it off the counter as Erin screamed for help. I repeatedly banged the pan and made as much noise as possible while she yelled for her life as though I was beating the living shit out of her. Meanwhile, the mormons and my roommate sat only about 15-20 feet away in the other room.

After the fake fight, Erin retired to the back yard as I went directly into the living room. Surprisingly, the mormons had Jason reading from one of their books while all this was going on! I marched into the living room and yelled: “Man, it’s times like this when I wish I was still gay.” Then I said: “Well, I think I’m going to go upstairs and do some hard drugs before I go out and party. This is gonna be so fucking awesome! I’m gonna get fucked up! Then I’m gonna fuck some bitches!” (As I said the last line I grabbed a nearby lamp and started humping it and I should also mention that the lamp was about 2 feet from one of them). Then I went upstairs and started blasting the song Opiate by Tool and sang along with it as loudly as I could; it was the most offensive song I could think of to play for them. I was just trying to create as deranged of an atmosphere as possible for the mormons. As a final coup de gras, I ran downstairs carrying a pair of scissors (for dramatic affect I guess). I then threw myself on the floor as hard as I could and started going into fake convulsions (while screaming the whole time and spitting on my face) about 5-6 feet in front of them to make it look like I was having a drug overdose. I laid there twitching for a few more moments before getting up and telling my roommate:

“Hey man, I’ll be back later…..If I’m still around.”

After that I went outside and waited until they left. Needless to say they probably had never seen anything like that before. I definitely think what I did was completely wrong, but I still reflect on it warmly because it’s an example of a situation where I actually followed through with an insane idea. Besides, they were mormons so who cares?

Special Bonus Feature: Another Crazy Act

I’ll try to keep this brief since I’ve already gone too long. Here is another rare example of me being a complete asshole to someone. I used to work at the library at my university before I dropped out of school and took a 2.5-year hiatus. We had this extremely annoying lady come in all the time who would constantly badger whoever was working. She would seriously come up and bother us for something stupid at least 4 times every time she came into the library. Then came a Friday night where she approached me and asked me for help. She said that an extremely offensive pop-up came on the computer that she was using and she could not get it off. I initially felt bad for her and assumed that a porn pop-up came on the computer so I walked back with her to give her assistance. When I got there, I saw an ad for the show “King of the Hill” on the computer and became startled. She said: “yea, I know, isn’t it terrible? It’s an ad for that show on Fox. They curse on that show!! Why would they put this on here?”

I couldn’t stop thinking about this incident and thought that if she was offended by that, how would she react to something that was actually REALLY offensive? I am generally not a hateful person but I absolutely abhorred this lady and felt no remorse in doing what I did the following morning. It was Saturday and she always came in as soon as I opened up the doors for my department right at noon. This time I went in 15 minutes early and went to the computer in the back corner where she always sat at. I sat down and searched for the most disgusting picture I could find and left it on the screen for her, making sure it covered the entire screen. Sure enough, she came in right at noon and walked back to her favorite computer. Only this time, instead of seeing the start menu, she saw an extreme close-up photo of a woman shoving a gigantic piece of cauliflower in her vagina. She immediately stormed out of the library and never came back. I was a hero to my fellow co-workers.

I guess I reflect on these in a positive light because I feel that everyone needs to be an asshole or a bitch sometimes. When I do it, I make sure it counts.

(This blog was originally written by me and posted on my old Myspace account on 7/23/2007)

Explore posts in the same categories: Personal stuff aka: Bullshit, comedy

Tags: Adult-humor, cauliflower pussy, comedy, demented, funny, latter day saints, mormons, pranks

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