Ultimate Guide to the Internet

Since I’m on break from school and have no homework to do during slow hours at work, I have been scouring the Internet and found a few sites that are very interesting. Here is my personal guide to some Internet sites you should definitely visit, as well as some you should probably avoid. Among the topics that will be discussed here are: male enhancement, angry black people, cool cars, gay magic, Scott Bakula, and two cults that are vying for supremacy.

The good sites:

Best male enhancement website:

www.massiveballs.com

So many sites offer ideas and products for male enhancement, but this site is clearly the best. While everyone else focuses on wang enhancement, massiveballs.com emphasizes the one thing that ladies crave the most: BALLS! Massiveballs offers the most complete guide to testicular enrichment. They have everything from pills to scrotal patches; nutsac hammocks and even some ancient Ugandan stretching techniques complete with instructional videos. Guys, do yourselves a favor and go here. Ladies, I recommend that you go to your man and demand that he visit this site and give you the massive balls that you so desperately crave!

Best angry black person website:

www.uncleclovis/toiletsidechats.com

This might be my favorite website of all time. Uncle Clovis’ Toiletside Chats is a page that has hundreds of videos of Uncle Clovis sitting on the toilet while complaining about his bills and other assorted conundrums. Basically, it’s a pissed off 70 year old black guy who yells about things like “why his no good two-timing old lady left him”, “how badly the bunion on his foot hurts”, and “how the white devil shut off his water” into a webcam that he has in his bathroom while he’s making bowel movements (stop and mentally picture what I just described. Pissed off old guy….taking a shit….yelling about his problems into a webcam and broadcasting it on the Internet. It’s pretty awesome). What makes it even better is the fact that Uncle Clovis is no quick shitter, he often spends upwards of a half an hour on the toilet. For example, about 27 minutes into the 4/14/2005 video titled “The IRS is comin to get me”, Uncle Clovis is actually grunting so hard that he has tears streaming down his face, then he gets so mad that he spits at the camera and starts punching himself in the head while yelling: “Come and get me mothafucka’s!! Whatchu waitin’ for?” A true gem not to be missed.

Best retailer on the web:

www.jeep.com

In response to the growing national theme of patriotism, Jeep has created a new car called the “Jeep Freedom”. This automobile provides the everyday god-fearing American with an SUV that they can truly feel safe in and be proud to drive in. The interior is laden in red, white and blue, comes with 2 machine gun nests, bullet-proof windows, and the dashboard is decorated with real life American Bald Eagle feathers to create the optimal experience of liberty. I heard that in response to the large quantity of Jeep Freedoms that have been pre-ordered, the Jeep Corporation has had to kill over 1500 bald eagles in order to meet demand. That’s not all, the dashboard has digital displays which inform its driver of the time, temperature, miles driven, speed, and the current terror threat level.

The manual states that if the terror alert level changes at any time for any reason, the digital display of the SUV will receive and transmit a live feed from Fox News Channel explaining what is happening. Also, the driver will be given the option to hit the self-destruct button, which causes the many strategically placed plastic explosives in the car to detonate, vaporizing the driver and everything within a 250 yard radius in the blink of an eye. The most important safety feature that this car has is the “Terror-radar”, which lets the driver know if there are any Middle Easterners, Black Muslims, or (most importantly) Caucasian teens with recently divorced parents within the vicinity of the automobile. I know I can’t wait to get mine. I specially ordered it to have the entire interior covered in American Bald Eagle feathers and it will have a dozen bald eagle eggs in the spare tire compartment.

Now for some sites that you should avoid at all costs:

Worst magic website:

www.magicforgaypeople.com

Look, I’m all about equal rights and I think it’s great to see gay culture become more widely accepted in our society but I fail to see the point of this website. It only has one magic trick. Since I’m an open-minded person I figured I would give it a whirl and see what happened. Once I successfully performed the trick, the lights in my living room began to dim and a disco ball magically appeared on my ceiling. Then the song “Rock Lobster” by the B-52’s came on and a 350 pound man wearing a biker hat and ass-less leather chaps came into the room and started grinding on me. Worse yet, after the music and disco ball went away, the leather clad man remained. His name is Frank and he’s been living on my couch for three weeks now because he has no where else to go. Now I’m forced to watch soap operas all day long and I constantly get bitched at anytime I make a mess! On the plus side, my apartment now features the gnarliest set of cabana curtains I’ve ever laid my eyes on.

Worst online discussion group ever:

www.necessaryroughnessfans.net/accidentaldischarge

This site is not for the squeamish, actually if you are easily offended you should probably scroll down to the next one in lieu of reading this. The name of this group is called the “Necessary Roughness Accidental Dischargers”. It deals with the early 90’s semi-popular football movie “Necessary Roughness”, which starred Scott Bakula, Sinbad, Kathy Ireland, Robert Loggia, and Hector Elizondo. The members of this elite discussion group are all Heterosexual males who started masturbating during the Kathy Ireland shower scene but were unable to finish before the scene ended and went on to the next scene which is Scott Bakula taking a shower, but the guys couldn’t stop masturbating when Scott Bakula came on the screen and they ended up coming all over the place while watching Scott Bakula take a shower. Apparently this has happened to hundreds of guys and it has left them both traumatized and sexually confused.  Some guys are even having gender identity crises over this. Arrgh! Good Grief! What a bunch of idiots! I’ve got a good mind to have a serious talking to with some of these guys and ask them what exactly is wrong with them! EVERYONE knows that the Kathy Ireland shower scene lasts 1 minute and 41 seconds and that as soon as there are 30 seconds left in it you have to start strangling yourself so you’ll finish faster and avoid seeing Scott Bakula! Fucking morons!

Worst site of all time: I have a two-way tie on this one

www.democrats.org and www.rnc.org

Ok, so I’m not really that big into politics so the information I found was mostly new to me while perusing these pages. Apparently there is some kind of dictatorship group in America called the “Republicans”. Yea, the name sounds weird to me too. These “Republicans” are all rich old white men who primarily serve the interests of other rich old white men while garnering the support of poor and uneducated citizens by hiding behind a cloak of Christian and family values. Their plan appears to be to sucker uneducated citizens to vote for these Republicans, despite the fact that their political policies have adverse effects on on the poor people, by taking stances on moral issues such as continuing to oppress gays even though quite often these issues have absolutely no effect on their everyday lives. Who the hell in their right mind would buy into that?

Then there is this other resistance group called the “Democrats” (not sure how you pronounce it, but the spelling should be ok. Once again, these words are new to me and they seem very silly). These “Democrats” do nothing but complain about how horrible their counterparts are while serving up unrealistic solutions to society’s problems. They are pretty much the most gutless and whiny people I’ve ever seen in my life. To top it off, they constantly change their opinions on issues and give half-assed explanations for doing so. Who would actually believe someone who doesn’t know what he or she actually believes in?

I urge all of you to NEVER go to these sites and more importantly to never join either of these resistance groups. I don’t know what would happen if any of these clowns actually had the power in this country. Thank god the American general public is too smart to let this happen.

(This blog was originally written and posted by me on my old Myspace profile on 7/17/2007)

Explore posts in the same categories: Educational Guides

Tags: Adult-humor, angry black person, comedy, democrats, funny, gay magic, internet, jeep, liberty, massive balls, republicans, scott bakula, terror alert

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