Beatrix the Twat: England’s Sweetheart

Hello, recently I posted my Guide to Safe Cybersex and included my friend “Beatrix the Twat” in it. She responded by making a masterful 5 part story about me where I was a mentally handicapped person who lived in a trailer covered in shit and obeyed a chimpanzee. It didn’t stop there. She also made a 3 part story about one of my good friends and made a couple of references to either me or things she’d seen in blog as well. All this within 2 weeks! Due to this obvious creepy obsession she has with me, I am taking a few minutes to address Beatrix the Twat. This is probably the last time she will be mentioned for awhile, since I try to add variety to my stuff and don’t post 3 times a day like her, so I figured I would post something so awful that she will require psychological treatment after reading it so that she won’t be able to write anything about me for awhile either.

What I am going to do is tell a brief short story about a girl named Beatrix and then I will turn things over to one of my best friends who has some astonishing findings to report to you about Beatrix the Twat. First off, to Beatrix the Twat I say that I do consider you to be a friend and would never intentionally say anything to seriously offend you, but what you are about to read will in all likelihood give you nightmares and drive you into insanity.

It’s hard to figure out how to make a person like her upset. She enjoys being called a cunt. She is a hardcore chick who’s into music like Napalm Death and G.G. Allin (a fecalphiliac who practiced self-mutilation on stage). She doesn’t believe in love and says that she wears riot gear during sex. You would think that there is nothing that could be offensive enough to even make her so much as flinch. She truly is the most vile and vulgar person I’ve ever had the pleasure of speaking with.

That being said, I would like to tell you a story. It’s called:

Beatrix the Twat: England’s Sweetheart

One time, in a far off land, there was a young girl named Beatrix. She was not like the other girls at all. She was very naughty to say the least. When the other girls would talk to her and try to be nice, she would respond by calling them “retched cunts” and tell them to fuck off. Beatrix was a true badass/goth/punker girl who didn’t take any guff from anyone. She was notorious for rude behavior towards gentlemen. When she went out courting, her evenings would frequently end with Beatrix telling the boy she was with to go “suck his mum’s fucking tit”.

That all changed when she met a man named “Richard Sweetheart”:

Before meeting Richard, Beatrix was always very impolite towards men but she couldn’t help herself from resisting Richard’s boyish charm. Richard was the perfect gentleman. On Beatrix’s first date with him, he gave her a dozen roses and told her that she was the most angelic creature he had ever seen. Things went so well that Beatrix and Richard formed a serious relationship with one another and eventually got married. Beatrix the Twat was now “Beatrix Sweetheart”.

After getting married, Beatrix and Richard finally decided that the time was right and they should consummate their relationship. Richard laid Beatrix down on a bed of roses, looked right into her eyes and said “I love you Beatrix my sweetheart”. They proceeded to make the most beautiful love imaginable together. They were so passionately in love that they both had to stop in the middle of lovemaking every 15 seconds just to rub their noses together and say “I WUUUUUUV U”.

Before too long Beatrix Sweetheart had 5 little babies to take care of. Richard went off to work every day and supported his loving family while Beatrix Sweetheart stayed at home, cleaned the house all day and changed baby diapers. No matter how busy she was during the day, or how much her foot hurt because it had grown gangrene due to bad circulation as a result of her heart requiring the blood because she loved Richard so much, she always made sure to prepare Richard a 5-course dinner. She also always wore a nice dress, because she wanted to look pretty for Richard because she was so helplessly in love with him. Dinner would be ready as soon as he walked in the door and Beatrix would greet him with a kiss on the cheek and then she would tell Richard she loved him. Then Beatrix Sweetheart would take his jacket and shoes and put them away before sitting down at the dinner table. Afterwards, she would clean up all the dishes, bathe the children and prepare them for bed. Meanwhile, Richard would lay on the couch, drink beer, and watch football.

Beatrix Sweetheart made every effort possible to make sure her husband whom she loved so much was as happy as possible.

Beatrix and Richard lived and loved together for the rest of their lives and everything was hunky dory……well except for the fact that Beatrix lost her leg due to gangrene and was locked away in a dungeon in the basement for the rest of her life while Richard had sex with a different teenage girl every night.

The End

Special Bonus feature: A gynecologist visits Beatrix

I will now turn things over to one of my good friends who just returned from giving Beatrix a thorough gynecological examination and would like to share with you the results. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back:

Barry “The Vaginally Aware” Polar Bear

Hello everyone, this your you old pal Barry “The Vaginally Aware” Polar Bear. I have just returned from examining Beatrix the Twat’s vagina and let me say, what a journey it was! I saw lions, tigers, boys, trolls, and gremlins, and that was just in her vagina! OH MY!

Let me start off by saying that her vagina was the single biggest disaster I’ve witnessed since 9/11! The dank hellhole that she calls a vagina was filled with various life forms the likes of which I wish no one would ever have the unfortunate luck of encountering. I had to fight off numerous blood-sucking bats just to get a good look at her Uterus! When I finally got inside, being the gigantic whore she is, she begged me to have sex with her. I would NEVER have sex with a human, that’s fucking beastiality. OK, so I’ve fucked a few human girls before, but I’m not going to lay a fucking paw on a piece Euro-trash like her!

The most amazing part about my examination was when I looked inside her cervix. It was here that I discovered a substance I did not recognize. I took a sample, brought it into my laboratory and put it into a petri dish. After careful analysis, I came to the conclusion that this was a pure substance previously undiscovered by man! That’s right, after years of having chemical reactions and fermentation take place in it, Beatrix the Twat’s vagina has yielded a brand new element!!!!!

I’ve called this element “Stankvagium”. It has a distinct pungent odor emanating from it that is highly comparable to what the aftermath of the “Exxon Valdez” oil spill smelled like. It has 156 protons, neutrons, and electrons, and qualifies as a solid material. I will continue to monitor my samples of “Stankvagium” and let you know about more exciting new breakthroughs. As for Beatrix the Twat’s stinky vajayjay, I decided it was in the best interest of the human civilization to have it put out of it’s misery. I sealed it shut with a caulking gun and burned it to death.

That’s all I have for now, if you have any more questions, send them to me: Barry “The Vaginally Aware” Polar Bear.

(This blog was originally written and posted by Jolly Judd, AKA: me, on my old Myspace profile on 9/15/2007)

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Tags: comedy, dirty vagina, feminine hygiene, funny, gynecologist, Humor, love, love story, Polar bear, satire, twat, vagina

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