Headie Jeff: Official Myspace Drug Dealer

Headie Jeff: Official Myspace Drug Dealer

Hhheeeeeyyy maaaaaaaaaaan! What’s up? It’s your buddy Headie Jeff!! huh-huh. I’ve been looking all over Myspace and I can’t find any fuckin drugs anywhere, so I got to thinking that I should start to cultivate my own “crops” and what not and start moving some fuckin weight on here man! heh-heh, but listen up: Shhhhh! Don’t tell Myspace Tom about this, I don’t wanna fuckin get narc’d out on here so just keep this shit on the hush-hush, you know, just between me and you. Seriously man, don’t be a buzzkiller, that’s bad Karma. Just remember: “What would Jerry do?”

I’ve got my hands on a lot of great drugs lately, and I just wanted to tell y’all about some of the specials I’m running this month. If you’re interested in anything, just let me know man, send me a message or leave a comment telling me what you want and when you want it. You can also page me at 412-555-4557.

Alright man, I think I’ve bullshitted my little sales pitch to you long enough, heh-heh, so let’s get on to the FUCKIN DRUGS!!!!!!

Special 1

Alright man, check this shit out. I’ve been smoking dope for fuckin years and I’ve always grown my own shit, but I recently discovered a strain of buds that’ll fuckin BLOW YOU AWAY!!!

Ok, so here we have some “Blueberry Czechoslovakian Fluffies.” These are the fuckin headiest, dankest nuggets I’ve ever smoked! I got a hold of them from my buddy “Crazy Ivan”, who slangs these phatties in Kladno. He grows them in a greenhouse year round. First, they’re grown in a special soil, then once the buds have matured a little bit he lets them fully blossom by pulling them from the ground and then using his breakthrough hydroponic horticultural technique of letting them grow in his special solution of miracle grow and methylene diphenyl diisocyanite, which is a formaldehyde-based liquid. The tetrahydrocannobinal content of this shit is through the fuckin roof man! You will have like, maaaaad analgesic effects when you smoke this shit, or something.

If you want this shit, it’s $1500 for a QP, and $5000 for a pound.

Special 2

Ok check this shit out man. Next here we have some high quality pharmaceutical grade ecstasy

This is an ultra-crunchy batch of molly cut with a little bit of viagra that I cooked up in my meth lab a few weeks ago. This is my first dabbling in to the world of designer drug manufacture, so I thought I would play it safe and pretty much cook these up as a knock off to those “Mitsubishi Doublestacks” that have been floating around a lot lately.

I fuckin guarantee that after eating this shit you’ll be able to fry an egg on your forehead. I personally haven’t tried it, but I did crush 2 pills up and put them in a piece of steak which I then fed to my neighbor’s dog. That fuckin dog went absolutely NUTS man! It was fuckin running around, and like, jumping all over my neighbor’s kids and licking their asses and stuff. Then some other dude was walking his dog down the street, and what do you know, my neighbor’s dog jumped right on it and started humping away until its fucking chest exploded!

The bidding for these bad boys starts at $350 for a bottle of 20.

Special 3

Finally, I’m gonna show you some bathtub LSD that I brewed up and put on some blotter paper.

These fuckin doses are so dangerously potent that it looks like the fuckin paper is moving just by looking at a sheet man! This is my special batch of “Jesus Christ” acid. So far, only one person, my friend “Dank Ernie”, has taken it. But let me tell you, he clearly hasn’t been disappointed. Let me show you the look on Dank Ernie’s face after taking it. The thing is, he was so freaked out that he couldn’t handle flash photography so I had to sneak a quick snapshot on my cellphone, check this shit out.

Pretty fuckin spooky if you ask me. The thing is, he has been holding that same expression on his face for 3 weeks now! He started wigging out pretty bad for a bit but I got things under control. I fuckin sat him down on my couch, and then got out some paper and drew a picture of a warplane dropping a bomb. Then I taped the picture to my tv screen and said: “Hey Dank Ernie, look man, History Channel is on. He’s been looking at that fucking picture ever since man! I don’t think he’s even moved from my couch one time!! huh-huh, man my fucking couch smells like shit!

Here’s the lowdown on my “Jesus Christ” acid. You can purchase either a “Bible” of it for $300 bucks, or you can buy individual “psalms” for $6. I can just fuckin see it now man, you’ll be like: “Oh I just ate John 3:16″, then before you know it, your fuckin face will be melting off! huh-huh……ba-da-bu-duh-ba-duh-da-da Split Open and Melt.

Ok buddies, those are my specials for this month. Let me know what I can put you down for. Until next time, remember what Headie Jeff says:

Life is short: FUCKIN DO DRUGS! hahahaha!

(This blog was originally written and posted by Jolly Judd AKA: me, on my old Myspace profile on 10/02/2007)

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Tags: bizarre, comedy, dank, drugdealer, drugs, ecstacy, funny, Humor, jesus christ acid, lsd, marijuana, molly, nuggets, satire, weed

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