Random Request Blog
(For this blog, I posted a bulletin on myspace on 12/30/2007 and asked my friends what they wanted to see me blog about. After a half an hour, I checked my messages and threw together an improvisational blog over the next 30 minutes to fulfill all of the requests)
Hi everybody! (Hi, Dr. Nick)
I posted a bulletin earlier asking my friends what they wanted to see me blog about and got a number of responses. So here’s an extremely long blog full of random nonsense.
First, I’ll honor Elf’s request and do a survey that reveals stuff about me. Special thanks to Da Muthaphukkin Realest for posting a survey right at the time I received this request. And she also wanted me to do a random blog as well. This is a variation of the survey she posted.
A-Z survey time! Every letter is covered.
A]- ANUS?
- my third favorite word in the world next to 1) jerk, and 2) nomenclatureB] – BIRTHDAY?
- January 11th, 1982C] – CRUSHING?
- Dolph Lundgren is a god. Crushing people is fucking hilarious, especially when commies do it.D] – DRINK YOU LAST HAD?
- I just had a glass of whiskey with some cocaine and heroin dissolved in it.E] – EASTER BUNNY?
- That guy at the mall who hides in the men’s room and stares at me when I poop? He sucks!
F] – FAVORITE FOREIGN DICTATOR?
- Krushchev always did it for me. He was the best, snoogins.
G] – GUMMY BEARS OR GUMMY NINJA STARS?
- in MY ASS? Although they’re gummy, I still don’t like the idea of having a ninja star shoved up my ass so I’ll go with the bears. Besides, bears are cuddly and cute. Yup, I’d let a gummy bear hibernate in my butt for three winters if it wanted to.
H]-HOMO?
- I am not, but often pretend to be in public. It’s a good time.
i]-ICE CREAM FLAVOR
- In my ass? Oh, no, in YOUR ass. Now I get it. I’d toss anyone’s salad if they had some chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream in it.
J] JUST A WORD/S YOU SAY VERY OFTEN?
- People call me Just, or something similar for some reason. Still haven’t figured that one out.
K] KILLED SOMEONE?
- Some one hundred people have fallen at my hands. I can’t help it. I get really pissed off when I lose at “Hungry Hungry Hippos”
L] – LESBIAN PORN?
- Definitely, I like it more than hetero porn. I don’t have to look at any schlongs that way.
M] – MOUSTACHE RIDES?
- Sadly no. My facial hair grows really fast, but I always look like a total asshole if I don’t shave for a couple of days…….wait, I always look like an asshole anyway.
N] – NUMBER OF SIBLINGS?
- one, and she turned me into the vulgar pig that I am.
O] – ONE WISH!
- A life time supply of “Baconators” from Wendy’s
P] – PERSON WHO YOU LAST GAVE A SNICKERDOODLE RECIPE TO?
- Casey
Q] – QWIJIBOO?
- Yet another obscure Simpson’s reference I added into my blog that only Dr. Handsome will get.
R] – REASON YOU SMILE?
- The used tampon I just threw hit the mailman
S] – SONG YOU LAST HEARD?
- umm, I had my ipod on while riding the bike this morning. I think the last song I heard was “Thank You For Sending Me an Angel” by the Talking Heads
T] TIME YOU WOKE UP THIS MORNING?
- I went to bed at 8am and woke up at 1:30 pmU] U DO THE DEW?
- Only when I’m feeling extremely hardcore. Usually, wrestling a male silverback gorilla calls for a quick Dew break before I snap his neck and cut down some trees in the rainforest.V] – VEGANS
- One time I set loose a pack of Bengal Tigers at a vegan protest, ohh sweet irony. W] – WORST HABIT?
- I don’t know about worst, but raising a bunch of Bengal Tigers to eat humans is pretty hard to do when you do it by your self.
X] – X-RAYS HAD?
- I have an x-ray of F. Murray Abrahams stomach from when he accidentally ate a box of crayons when he was 5 years old. Don’t ask.
Y] – YOUR NUMBER OF FRIENDS ON MYSPACE?
- 207
Z]- ZODIAC SIGN?
- Capricorn
Next, my friend Jen asked me to write some stuff about my breasts and show a picture.
I’m a c-cup with d potential in my opinion. They first started growing when I was about 9 years old. I usually like to wear low cut shirts so that I can let all the ladies see my excellent man cleavage. Sometimes when I work out a lot, my man-boobs create gigantic sweat rings on my shirt. When I was 16, I came up with a term for manboobs that are so big that you can actually make a full sweat ring around them. They are called “bitch tits”. I love my bitch tits.
Jen also asked if I prefer tampons or pads. To be honest, although tampons do contain most of the leakage from my ass when I’m doing normal every day things like sitting on the couch, I feel that pads are far superior to them. Any time I go to play tennis, I make sure to have a pad in, and bring an extra pad with me. You never know when you’re going to hit a ball into the net, freak out, throw a dirty pad at someone and need more protection afterwards.
Here’s something random that I just learned this year. When someone invites you over for dinner and you walk in their house and smell something funny, don’t ask what it is. Earlier this year I went to my mother’s for dinner. As soon as I opened the door, the first thing I said was “OH MY GOD! What the fuck is that smell? It smells like dirty German ass sex”
.
.
.
.
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She was making sauerkraut; I ruined dinner before it was even served.
Here’s another lesson in life I learned when I delivered pizza for a living awhile back. I delivered to the hospital a lot, and would always hear elevator conversations between people.
What did I learn from this?
When you see somebody you know at a hospital that is over 50 years of age, DON’T ask them how their spouse is. I can’t count how many times I heard someone say this, and the response is always, “well she’s in room 607 right now……..etc.” Ouch, that is painful to stand and listen to.
Let’s get to the good stuff. Let’s talk about L-O-V-E
Bad Lisa has asked for me to profess my undying love for her. We do plan on solidifying our extreme geekiness by having an “internet wedding” in the near future.
Lisa, you are the best. I love you so and think that we are soul mates. After all, we are two foul mouthed bloggers who have serious back injuries right now. I can just picture us together.
We would get together, take off our clothes and fuck like rabid animals for about 10 seconds until both of our backs blew out (of course 10 secs is all I need anyway, but….). Then we would bitch about how lousy the 10 seconds of sex was and how bad our backs hurt. To take care of this, we would each snort about 120 milligrams of Oxycontin and proceed to have “Zombie Painkiller Hate-Sex”.
When a guy is on painkillers, his Johnson is always rock-hard but he can’t feel a thing. We’d get high on Oxy’s, then you’d give me a reverse cowgirl as I lay there non-responsive, scratching myself non-stop and asking if you can get find some good blow anywhere. Then you would tell me how much you hated me, punch me in the balls and call me a bitch. After that, I’d get all fired up and fuck your face until the sun came up. Good times.
Finally, I’ll end this blog with a good time Jolly Judd recipe. My friend Casey asked me if I could give him a good snickerdoodle recipe. It’s always good to make new baking buddies, so here you go Casey.
2 eggs
2/3 cup oil
2 tsp. vanilla
3/4 cup sugar
3 cups Hashish oil
2 cups flour, sifted
2 t. baking powder
1/2 tsp. salt
2 tbsp Lysergic Acid Diethylamide
1 tsp cinnamon or 2 tsp grated lemon rind
1/2 cup sugar
Heat oven to 400.
Beat eggs with fork, stir in oil, LSD, hashish oil, vanilla and lemon rind (if using). Blend in 3/4 cup sugar until mixture thickens.
Blend flour, baking powder, and salt; add to mixture.
Roll into 1 inch balls. Mix 1/2 cup sugar and cinnamon. Roll balls in sugar mixture.
Place on baking sheet, criss cross with fork. Place 2 inches apart on ungreased baking sheet.
Bake 8-10 minutes. Remove immediately from baking sheet.
Trip fucking balls
Variations: You may omit the cinnamon if necessary. If you’re a heavyweight when it comes to getting dosed up, 4 tbsp. of LSD may be required, especially if you’re watching the DVD of Grateful Dead New Years Eve at the Madison Square garden from 1984 while eating your snickerdoodles. Also, if you watch the DVD and see 50 Jerry Garcia’s on the screen during the middle of that 20 minute “Cosmic Charlie”, it’s just the snickerdoodles playing a trick on you. There are only supposed 25 Jerry-Bears.
That’s all for now folks. Have a Beary-Jerry great day!
Tags: adult hunmor, bitchtits, breast size, comedy, funny, manboobs, satire, sauerkraut, Snickerdoodles, surveys
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