The Real Story Behind Fantasy Football
(This blog was originally written and posted by Jolly Judd AKA: me, on my old Myspace profile on 11/08/2007)
The Real Story behind “Fantasy” Football
-An Annapolis, MD woman has filed for divorce from her husband of 24 years, claiming that he has been having various affairs with other men over the internet. She claims that her husband is involved in online “fantasy” football leagues where men get together and perform highly disturbing and homo-erotic “virtual” acts on each other via web cam. “I thought fantasy football had something to do with the NFL” the woman, who asked to remain anonymous, said.
She added: “Then one day I walked into our bedroom and saw my husband on all fours on the ground, wearing only a Baltimore Ravens jersey, eating dog food out of a bowl while some other guy was on the computer screen wearing only a Pittsburgh Steelers helmet and was calling him a ‘bad boy’ and informed my husband that if he pissed on the carpet again, he was going to rub his nose in it and hit him over the head with a rolled-up newspaper.”
The husband, Mark Clayton of Annapolis claims that the divorce filing is unfair and has responded by filing a defamation suit against his wife. “This woman is terribly confused” he said. “Yes, I’ll admit that I’ve participated in ‘cybersex’ with other men, but I don’t feel that it justifies her wanting to divorce me. It’s not like I’ve ever actually came into physical contact with any of these guys, so I’m a faithful husband in my opinion.” He then added: “I’ll tell you what the problem is: my wife is an intolerant bitch! She probably told you I was a ’sick queer’ or something like that, right? She fails to understand that when you have a bad draft and pick Larry Johnson and Marc Bulger as your first 2 picks, you’ll end up eating a lot of dog food and getting spanked a lot, it’s all basic football knowledge. That guy in the Steeler helmet has a fucking loaded roster this year!”
When asked to comment again, Mr. Clayton’s wife said: “Sick queer doesn’t begin to describe my soon-to-be ex-husband. Also, I fail to see how this ties in with actual football. To me, this so called ‘fantasy football’ is nothing more than an excuse for guys to cheat on their girlfriends and wives with other men.”
Our staff looked a little more into this. We investigated a number of fantasy football leagues and discovered that the same thing was happening all across the country. We’ve also cracked some of the code words used in fantasy football.
For example, if a guy says he “likes Tom Brady”, it is football slang for: “I take it in the ass on a regular basis.” And if a guy “roots for Peyton Manning”, he is really saying “buy me a couple shots and you can teabag me all night.” Also, if a guy “owns Carson Palmer”, he is really saying “I LOVE DICK, I FUCKING LOVE HUGE PENISES!”
This discovery brings a couple of questions to the table. First off, if a guy doesn’t actually come into physical contact with another guy, is he truly cheating on his wife? Secondly, is fantasy football nothing more than an excuse for guys to get gay with one another?
Time will tell on these issues. Until then, the debate rages on. Feel free to add your opinions on the matter.
Tags: Adult-humor, carson palmer, comedy, fake news, fantasy football, funny, gay fantasy football, peyton manning, satire, Tom Brady
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