Workplace Pranks: Making Fake Applications for your Boss

Hello there!  Today I’d like to talk about workplace pranks.  I worked as a full-time manager of a pizza shop awhile back, I got the job when I was taking a break from school and kept it for my first year back.  Since I was the manager, and the owner of the store liked me a lot, I think I was able to get away with a lot more than other people.

My favorite pasttime as far as workplace pranks go was writing up fake applications for the owner of the store.  I liked to keep him in check, and forged some sweet applications, just to make sure he was actually reviewing them carefully.  For example, one time I wrote up an application for a guy named (well, we’ll call him) “Rob Smith”.  I made it really good.  As it turns out, we had a former employee named (once again, we’ll just call him) “Rob Smithwick” that was a complete asshole and a lousy worker.  He eventually got in a huge fight with the owner and was fired.  I put Rob Smithwick’s actual phone number on the fake application, and sure enough, the dumbass owner called thinking it was “Rob Smith”, and they got in a huge verbal argument on the phone. 

A second example of a quality application was when I made a fake one for a homeless guy, and made the application good, except for the “desired position” part, where it said he was applying for the position of: “tenant in the dumpster”.  Another time, I made an application for a nice 82 year old man.  I said he worked in an ice cream shop for 58 years, but it closed down and he needed a job.  There was one little blemish on his application though.  I said he was imprisoned in 1945 for war crimes in WW2, when he killed some Japanese POW’s at a prison camp.  In addition, I made a fake application for a black guy that hated white people’s guts.  My favorite part was when, in an attempt to show the utmost contempt for white people, I said that he was arrested at a Harlem Globetrotter’s game for fatally stabbing a member of the Washington Generals. 

I was cleaning my house the other day and found a couple of copies that I made of some applications.  The following is a summation of what is probably my favorite application.  This one was entirely over the top, and it was clear that I was just bored and having fun.  I made the guy look as shady as humanly possible.  My boss yelled at me for it, but I didn’t get written up, fired or suspended or anything like that.    Needless to say though, the owner of the store wasn’t exactly thrilled when he saw an application that said this on his desk:

(btw, I’m just calling it Aldo’s Pizza)

APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT: ALDO’S PIZZA

Date:  4/15/2004

Name: Dr. Johnny Pneumonic

Desired Position: Mascot, you guys need a mascot.  I would like to create one for you.  How about, “The Aldo’s Pizza Sweaty Dego”?

Days/Hours Available:  Sun-Sat, 3-4pm

Phone: n/a

Address:  I live in a tent in the woods

Have you ever worked at any Aldo’s Pizza before?  If YES, please give date and location:  I was a panhandler in the parking lot of Aldo’s in Arlen

Do you have any relatives working at any Aldo’s Pizza? If so, where?  Chip Kearns- Driver in McManorberry

Prior Work Experience (Please list most recent employment first)

1. Employer: McDonald’s Restaurant

Address: The Golden Arch

Position: Traveled to various stores as “The Hamburglar”

Immediate Supervisor:  Mayor McCheese

Starting Pay: Burgers stolen

Ending Pay: same

Dates: 4/02-5/04

Reason for Leaving:  I killed an entire family during a botched burger heist.  Then I slit Mayor McCheese’s throat in front of 30 delighted children who thought it was all part of the act.  I also blew off Grimace’s kneecaps.  The event came to be known as “The Hamburglar Massacre”.

2. Employer:  Kidsmart Entertainment

Address:  431 Cory Drive, Cambriana, Pennysltucky

Position: Reenacted prison rapes in high schools.  I was usually the catcher

Immediate Supervisor:  The pitcher

Starting Pay:  Carton of smokes

Ending Pay:  Soap on a rope

Dates:  1/01-3/02

Reason for Leaving: Quit-Too many scars from crab bites, among other things

3. Employer:  FBI

Address:  Washington, DC

Position:  I was an undercover agent investigating the Ku Klux Klan

Immediate Supervisor:  Grand Wizard Rick Berry

Starting Pay:  FBI- 150k/yr, KKK- respect from peers

Ending Pay:  FBI- 275k/yr, KKK- Lifelong core values acquired

Dates:  2/64-10/00

Reason for Leaving:  Fired- The FBI alleged that I had gotten in too far with the KKK after I went to Levar Burton’s house, broke all of his windows and burnt a cross in his yard.

Have you ever been convicted or plead guilty to a criminal offense? If YES, please explain the facts surrounding each conviction:

Fatally raped a famous dog.  Kicked out of military for abusing prisoners at Guantanamo Bay- I made them eat their own shit.  Charged with harassment in 1989 when I repeatedly mailed my own pubic hair to Fred Savage.  See jobs 1 and 3.  Grand Theft Auto- Stole Wienermobile.  Fined $75 for setting a pack of Bengal tigers loose at a vegan protest.  Served jail time for murdering 17 women that I thought were witches.  For a full listing of my criminal record, please visit www.drjohnnypnuemonic.org

List special skills/education/training:

I once participated in a heated orgy with 3 Swedish bikini models, 2 original members of the Doobie Brothers, and Spuds McKenzie.  I have a PhD. In Oompa Loompa sodomy from Willy Wonka University.   I had sex with Freddie Mercury just days before his death.  Knocked-up Tom Selleck’s wife in 1985, later on I abducted the baby and sold it at a flea market in Blawnox.  Currently undergoing psychological therapy for my recurring nightmares about Mayor McCheese’s ghost.  I have 2pac held hostage in my basement and am currently producing his 8th album since his “death”

Personal References:

1.  Name:  Grand Wizard Rick Berry

Relationship: Best friend

2.  Name:  Johnny Pneumonic-Selleck Jr.

Relationship: son

3.  Name:  Ray

Relationship:  My Rock-em Sock-em Robot

Please review the duties of this position as outlined in the job description.  Are you able to perform these functions?  If NO, please identify the duty or duties you will not be able to perform:

NO, As the official “Aldo’s Pizza Sweaty Dego”, I will only be able to do mascot work, that is unless you need a prison rape to be reenacted.

Would you be able to perform any of these functions if an accommodation were made?

My only concern is that my old Hamburglar costume has too many blood stains and bullet holes to re-use

Delivery Drivers Only:

Insurance Company name: 

No Insurance, the KKK will kill anyone who fucks with me

Have you been involved in any traffic accidents within the past 3 years? If YES, please give details: 

Hit 4 pedestrians while fleeing from the Hamburglar Massacre.  Once again, please visit www.drjohnnypnuemonic.org for full details

Has your license ever been suspended or revoked?   

Pulled over for a broken taillight, had 3 Germans in my trunk

VEHICLES WHICH WILL BE USED ON THE JOB:

1. Make: Silver

Model: Unicycle (for my mascot routines)

Year:  1954

License:  n/a

2. Make:  Murray

Model:  Magna

Year:  1988

License:  none, but it has sweet He-Man spokes

3. Make:  Red

Model:  Radio Flyer Wagon

Year:  1945

License: Saddam a Go-Go

 

This is the end of the blog

 

Goodbye

Explore posts in the same categories: Personal stuff aka: Bullshit, The Best of Jolly Judd, comedy

Tags: Adult-humor, comedy, fun at work, Hamburglar, Humor, kkk, levar burton, mascots, massacre, Mayor McCheese, McDonald's, pranks, Prison rape, sweaty dego, tom selleck, tricking your boss, workplace pranks

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