Making People Think you are Dead
I believe it was almost exactly 3 years ago when one of my friends from home that now lives in North Carolina called me up. I was getting ready to play some drums with one of my old bands at a stupid little outdoors festival, and my friend made quite a bizarre request. He asked me if I could get on the microphone and announce to everybody that he had died, and to dedicate a “cool” song to him.
I played it off and of course didn’t do it. However, a week later, he called again and INSISTED that I tell people back home that he was dead. He felt that it would be funny to do, and asked me to give him a really sweet death, rather than a standard one. Yet again, I didn’t do it. Once more, the next day he called and asked me if I had told everyone he died. I said no of course, and he got pissed.
Now, my friend that I speak of is a gigantic asshole, but I’ve never had an experience like this with him before. Plus, he was kind of the friend in high school that our group mainly hung out with because he would do the stupidest things possible, thus providing consistent quality entertainment. This instance though, was completely over the line of decency. There is no fucking way that I could ever do what he was asking me to do!
I mean, sure, one of my old hobbies was starting fake rumors about celebrities dying at bars and parties, and seeing how many people would believe the story and whether or not the story would get spread around. For example, I once told a bunch of people that Malcolm Jamal Warner had been stabbed in front of a nightclub and bled to death before the paramedics came. I’ve also spread rumors that Billy Ocean and Phil Collins have AIDS. But still, if I lied and told a bunch of people that one of our friends had died, well………..obviously that isn’t cool at all.
Here’s how I took care of the situation: A few days later, I went out to some bars and got drunk. When I got home at 3am or so, I called my friend in North Carolina up and told him that I finally granted his request and informed everyone I know that he had died. I said that a bunch of our mutual friends were at one of the bars, and people were crying and sobbing all over the place.
As for the “sweet death”, I bullshitted off the top of my head and told him that I said the following thing to everyone:
“Yea, so I guess he was really broken up about Dimebag Darrell from Pantera getting killed, and never really got over it. Then yesterday, he got drunk and decided to put on a bunch of Pantera gear, go out in his front yard and blast their ‘Vulgar Display of Power’ album, and yell all of the lyrics at the top of his lungs. Then I guess he got out of hand, ripped off his shirt and carved ‘R.I.P. Dimebag’ into his chest with a broken beer bottle, and proceeded to blow his head off, with the whole neighborhood watching him do it.”
Yea, that’s pretty messed up, but that was my intention. I wanted to give him a really fucked-up “death” to see if he would show any remorse after I told him about it.
Surprisingly enough, he bought my story and thought it was funny that I told it to everyone. I really felt that he needed to be taught a lesson after this. The following day, i called up several of my friends and asked them to call him when he was at work, so that he wouldn’t answer the phone, and leave distraught messages on his voicemail. So people called his phone and pretended to cry on the answering machine, and I made sure that everyone also mentioned in their messages that they had called his parents’ house, talked to his father and told him they were sorry to hear the bad news about his son dying.
The plan worked perfectly, and my asshole friend freaked out and called home to make sure his parent’s didn’t think he was dead. Of course, his parents wouldn’t have had a clue what the fuck he was talking about, as no one actually called them and told them their son was dead. I’ve always wondered how he explained the whole scenario to them. He also called a few of our friends that night and apologized for everything. Thankfully, he has finally grown up over the past 2 years and is a fairly decent person, although I no longer make much of an effort to stay in touch with him, and usually ignore him when he calls me.
I guess the moral here is, sometimes, it takes evil to combat evil. My friend’s request was completely evil, but the prank I pulled on him was almost, if not more evil, and certainly more diabolical. Being evil and diabolical can get you far in this world, and it’s funny to fuck with stupid assholes by outwitting them.
Alright all you cool cats, that’s my story for today. I’m sure you’ll hear from me sooner than later.
Tags: Adult-humor, best death ever, billy ocean, comedy, dimebag darrell, funny, pantera, phil collins, pranks
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