Most Annoying People: A Whiny, Bitchy Rant

Hello there, I would like to take some time to talk about the groups of people that I think are the most annoying. I’m in a real assholic mood, and I may piss some people off here, but it’s not like it would be the first time. Feel free to call me a dickhead or delete me if you are offended, I probably won’t even argue back a whole lot.

Here’s my top 10 list of most annoying people, complete with no pictures because I am lazy tonight:

10) People who give their babies names that are from TV shows or are stupid surfer/OC California names

What’s the deal with these assholes? They think they are all progressive and give their kids names like Rider, Logan, or worse yet, I’ve heard of people calling their kids “Ashton” now. Seriously……….ASHTON? As in, Ashton Kutcher, the stupidest and most annoying fuckhole on TV? Parents, please don’t disgrace your children by giving them such horrible names. Give them some dignity, and just settle for Mike or Matt or something like that.
9) Guys that are either named “Jesse” or “Jamie”

Maybe this is just a regional occurrence, but it seems as though every guy with either of these names is always a huge piece of white trash. It’s almost as if their mothers were too worried about their crack habits to actually notice that their babies were males, so they just left them with their female names. I’ve known of several guys named Jamie, and they were ALL big time fuck-ups. Same goes for the guys named Jesse. I’ve always wondered if a guy is named Jesse, does his full name read “Jessica” on his birth certificate?
8 Fans of Philadelphia sports teams

Since I live in a college town in PA, I have to deal with the unfortunate presence of sub-human beings from Filthadelphia infesting my town. The worst part about them is that when you see a group of say, white dudes with Philadelphia Eagles jerseys on, gold chains and sideways hats at a bar, they are the biggest cocksuckers in the world and always try to talk like violent gangsters to us about why the Eagles are better than the Steelers. The standard response is telling them: “Oh yeah? Well, perhaps we should do the math: Steelers, 5 Super Bowl wins (then you show them 5 fingers); Eagles, ZERO Super Bowl wins (then give them the middle finger)”.

It goes well beyond this though. Philadelphia fans are the only fans I’ve ever heard of to actually CHEER when a player on the opposing team sustains an injury, a very classy move in my opinion. Recently, there was the “Pennsylvania Cold War”, where the state’s 2 hockey teams, The Pittsburgh Penguins and the Filthadelphia Flyers, played one another in a best of 7 playoff series (which Pittsburgh won in 5 games). I saw some fan interviews on TV before one of the games. When asked their predictions for the game, Pittsburgh fans would say stuff like: “I look for a hard fought game, with the Penguins coming out on top in the end “. On the other hand, Philly fans would say stuff like: “I hope a bunch of the Penguins get all bloody and are taken off to the hospital on stretchers”.

Good god, these people are full of spite and hatred! Perhaps due to Philly’s geographic proximity to the state of New Jersey, some of that Jersey attitude has worn off on them. To be frank, both places are for the most part sewers, and the only discernable difference between the 2 is that Jersey smells like urine and B.O., while Philadelphia smells like poop.

7) Old people that vote in record numbers

They have a very strong influence on our elections, and their views are very conservative and resistant to change. The problem I have with this is how so many of these old people won’t even live to deal with the consequences of the elections that they so strongly influence! Meanwhile, us youngins have to deal with the fact that they still think it’s 1950, and vote accordingly. I call shenanigans! In my opinion, if you are 80 years old, you are already well set in your ways, and beyond needing health care, there really aren’t too many issues that apply to you, as you just sit around all day and watch Matlock for a living. So ummmm, if you’re living on a fixed income and sitting on more cash than you’ll ever need, and you’re probably going to die soon, why vote?

6) Young Republicans

Young people are supposed to question authority and rebel against the machine, but there are some certain preppie douchebaggy young people that buy into everything that Republicans say. Why is this? Because they listen to every single thing that their mommies and daddies tell them. When I think of the young republicans that I have known, they are always total straight-edged pussies that obey their parents’ every command. A recent survey revealed that 80% of young republicans breastfeed until the age of 15. As for the other 20%, they are simply imbeciles. I remember a couple of times a few years back when I talked to a few of my conservative friends about why they were for invading Iraq. All of them said: “because they blew up the World Trade Center.” Of course, these people were most likely under the assumption that all Muslims are terrorists. They were also all from Evangelical-esque religious fanatic families, which explains a lot. I really don’t think I need to say more here. They suck, case closed.

5) Wiggers

I’ll let white people that are actually from the ghetto slide here. I’m not from the ghetto, and neither are any of the wiggers that I’ve ever known. They are usually either rednecks from the sticks, or spoiled rich white kids. They embody absolutely nothing about being a thug from the hood. The worst part is, NONE of these guys are ever even remotely tough! They are always scrawny little pussies, yet they dress and talk like they are thugs. They wouldn’t last in an actual ghetto for more than 30 minutes.

4) Frat Flamers, aka: Frat Boys, aka: Douchebags

Oh my FUCKING GOD do I hate frat flamers! These guys really take the fucking cake. They are characterized by a unique combination of trying to be both tough guys and pretty boys at the same time, just like Justin Timberlake. Ok, so not all frat guys piss me off, but most of them do. They are generally morons. From what I’ve seen in most cases, they are guys who were not really popular at all in high school, so they think that they’ll get a chance to finally be “cool” in college. In other cases, they are the guys who were so hung up on being popular, that they feel as though they must continue on their perpetual path of maintaining coolness. Yeah, you’re fucking cool alright……it’s really cool to not only pay just to have friends, but to withstand homoerotic hazing as well. Yep, that’s really fucking cool in my book (***the sarcasm meter has just exploded***).

They wear puffed up collars, gel, bleach, and spike their hair, and wear really stupid necklaces.

I wasn’t trying to make a joke. They really do this.

I really could write a novel about how stupid these people are. For now, I’ll just leave it at what I’ve already stated.

3) Fast and Furious Fags

I’m sorry if I offended anyone by using the word fag, especially homosexual people who would be insulted by the notion of having any sociocultural relation to Fast and Furious people, but “Fast and Furious Fags” is what these folks are called where I live. It’s a fact of life. I’m not referring to gearheads in general. I’m referring specifically to the douchebags who are totally hardcore into buying “performance” parts to pimp out their Pontiac Sunfires and Acura Integras. These people don’t actually know anything about cars, but will attempt to deceive you into believing otherwise by regularly using phrases such as “Catalytic Converter” and “Manifold”.

They buy special mufflers to make their sporty subcompact Japanese cars sound like monster trucks. They use up all of their trunk space on expensive speakers so that they can blast their Insane Clown Posse and Eminem CD’s while driving through areas with large amounts of pedestrians at 55 miles per hour in-between stop signs. They drink alcohol, but it’s usually Mike’s Hard Lemonade and Smirnoff Ice. They smoke dope, but it’s always schwag. Their fenders are never any higher than 3 inches off of the ground, unless they have hydraulics. They pass people on 2 lane roads at every chance they get because they are such badasses.

In essence, Fast and Furious Fags are a clan who have subscribed to a lifestyle that’s based around the primary activities of pimping out their car so it goes really fast even though there are things called speed limits that prevent them from driving as fast as they can without losing their licenses, and they all have murals of Paul Walker in their closets that they ritualistically masturbate to 5 times a day just like a Muslim praying to Mecca.

2) People named “Tom Green”

I know of one person named Tom Green, and he is the single most annoying fuckbag piece of shit that I’ve ever seen in my life. I was once forced to watch “Freddie Got Fingered” with people who thought that the movie was actually funny. I have never been so close to killing myself in my entire life, and thankfully have never seen any Tom Green movie or talked to those people in at least 5 years.

Wow, so I’ve really went off on a lot of people. But who could actually be worse than Tom Green, or wiggers, Fast and Furious Fags, and Frat boys?

I’ll tell you who, but this one might just hit a little too close to home for a lot of you, so be warned……………………………………

1) Any female who has ever married, dated, fucked, sucked, kissed, or given any sign of positive encouragement whatsoever to Tom Green, Wiggers, Fast and Furious Fuckbags, or Frat Flamers

Call be a chauvinist pig all you want, but……………….WHY exactly do you think that these fucking assholes behave in the fucktarded manner that they do?

It’s because some girls actually LIKE them! They dress the way they do, drive the nice cars and drive them fast, act like complete fucking dipshits, and paddle each other’s asses because they think that it gives them a better shot at getting laid, and there are a lot females who re-enforce this theory by actually fucking these scumbags.

The above groups of males are generally the type who hit on every single female in sight when they are out in public, and there’s always eventually some poor, unintelligent and confused girl with no self-esteem to facilitate their needs. Hell, I can remember a time when I was hanging out with a girl that was my friend, and a wigger came up to her and hit on her. She talked to him for at least 20 minutes, with a fake smile on the entire time. I asked her why she didn’t tell him to fuck off. She replied by saying “Well, he seemed nice, and I didn’t want to look like a bitch.”

To that I say: LOOK LIKE A BITCH! BE A BITCH! DO NOT GIVE THESE DOUCHEBAGS ANY IMPRESSION THAT YOU HAVE ANY INTEREST IN THEM AT ALL!

How the fuck else are we to put a stop to their behavior? If they were put in their place by females more often, they would cease their douchebaggery!

Well, I think my work is done here. Which of my stated groups do you agree or disagree with? Do you have any groups that you’d like to add in?

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Tags: Adult-humor, annoying people, bitch, comedy, douchebags, eagles, fast and furious, frat boys, funny, gearhead, guys with female names, guys with girls names, masturbating, matlock, mike's hard lemonade, new jersey, old people voting, paul walker, philadelphia, philadelphia flyers, pittsburgh pengins, satire, smirnoff ice, steelers, stupid baby names, tom green, vote, white trash, wiggers, young republicans

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