Don’t Be a Fool, Enhance your Skills and Go Back to School!
Hello to all of you poor recession-rattled third world Americans and Europeans who can’t afford to eat or buy clothing!
My Previous blog post dealt with honing your job interviewing skills. I have decided to make this into a blog series that covers some basic stuff to help you out during the recession. I have a few topics in mind to discuss, and today I will focus on continuing your education.
Now, most people will advise you to go back to college to upgrade your skills. I hate to break it to you, but if your intention is to stick out from the crowd, this WILL NOT work! I have taken the time to look at some more “unorthodox” schools that will provide with training that virtually nobody else has. They have all paid me a substantial sum of money to promote their schools on my blog, so without further adieu, here they are!
Up first we have:
Mack Johnson’s Cockfight Training Academy
“Nothing Impresses the Ladies Like a Champion Cock”
Mack Johnson’s Cockfight Training Academy is located in Topeka, Kansas and offers you the chance to become an ace cock breeder and trainer. Here you will get to work hands-on with some of the finest cocks and learn the best methods of raising superior cocks for use in fighting such as genetic engineering, and cross-breeding them with Turkish people.
That’s not all, you’ll learn Mack Johnson’s patented time tested ancient Greco-Roman cockfighting maneuvers so that you can try them out for yourself on your very own cocks!
When you’ve finished Mack’s program, you’ll be able to make mad cash by raising up the nastiest cocks around and using them in fights!
(PS: Thanks to Doctor Handsome for this awesome photo.)
Secondly, we have:
Headie Jeff’s Dank Dope Dealin’ School
Heeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyy buddies! This is your old pal Headie Jeff, huh-huh. Look man, shit is fuckin SERIOUS right now! People are losing their jobs left and right and turning to drugs to deal with their depression!
This is where you come in man. I need a few more heads out on the street to sell some of my uber-crunchy merchandise. All you have to do is pay me a few grand up front, and then you can be either a street dealer, a gun man, or a coke mule. Once you sell your shit, just reimburse my cost, and pay a small premium of 80% of your profit, then YOU KEEP THE REST! We will provide ALL training and teach you how to avoid narcs, how to shove a condom full of heroin in your asshole and sneak it through an airport, and how to sexually stimulate a police dog that is trying to attack you!
My limited liability dope-slangin corporation has been trying some new innovative shit to make more money, such as cutting our cocaine with donkey laxatives, and also covering schwag weed with raid bug spray and pawning them off as Phatty Nuggets!
People have been over-paying like SHIT for these bunk drugs, so if you’re interested in joining an innovative, thriving operation where you’ll receive benefits such as: 5% off on all drugs and a free Grateful Dead concert bootleg on cassette tape, hit me up!
The Third school is:
Gerard Depardieu Impersonator Technical School
Are you looking to make loads of cash and lick TONS of pussy while you’re at it?
If so, look no further! The Gerard Depardieu Impersonator Technical School is a world-renowned educational institution that puts all of its students through an intensive 7-year academic program. When you’ve finished the program and successfully completed a 3-year overseas internship, you will officially become a GERARD DEPARDIEU IMPERSONATOR!!!!!
Just think about it. You’ll get paid LOADS OF CASH to show up at parties dressed up as the famous French actor, and hot, fresh pussy will literally FLOCK to you (“Gerard Depardieu” *wink*). You will be able to LICK SHITLOADS OF TIGHT, FRESHLY SHAVEN PUSSY AND GET PAID FOR IT!
Only a moron would pass up an opportunity like this. Wait…….you’re not a MORON are you? What the fuck are you waiting for? Classes begin in May.
Finally, this last school may offend some of you. I personally do not endorse it, as it’s disgusting and not even really a school, but they paid me a ridiculous sum of money just to advertise it on my blog, so here goes nothing:
Robertson Ministry’s “Pay the Gay Away” Camp
Gary P. Robertson: Head Counselor/Homosexual Rehabilitation Specialist
Are you gay? Do you think that there’s nothing you can do about it?
Really?
Have you tried going to a “Pray the gay Away” camp?
Did it work?
Hi folks, I’m Gary P. Robertson, nephew of the world famous minister Pat Robertson. Uncle Pat knows that Pray the Gay Away camps aren’t effective, and this is why he is funding new program that will be ran by me called PAY the Gay Away. My good old uncle Pat has decided to start up a camp where he personally will PAY YOU $10,000 if you make it through our 15-week program and successfully destroy the homosexual demons that are inside of you. In addition to the money, you’ll leave with the new valuable trait of not having Jesus want to beat you with a baseball bat.
The girls at our camp will go through a highly penis-intensive program. They’ll be forced to carry around prosthetic penises around at all times and eat off of them, sleep with them, and most importantly, slap each other across the face with them and beg to be slapped over-and-over again with them because penises are SOOOO unbelievably hot and getting sprayed in the face with hot semen is the greatest thing that can ever happen to a woman.
As for the guys, the camp will focus on one thing and one thing only: good old fashioned manly ROUGH HOUSING! We’ll make all of the males wrestle with one another all day and night and teach them little girly fellas how to be macho men!
They’ll learn how to dominate in any kind of wrestling match with one of the guys by using Robertson family patented moves such as:
“Uncle Pat’s Pelvis Buster Deluxe”
“The Alabama Reacharound”
“The Ocular Cavity Shimmy and Shake”
and finally…………..
“The El Salvadoran Taint Clawing”
Our methods truly do work, but don’t take it from me! Here are a couple of testimonials from our original focus group that we first tested our methods on:
“Howdy, my name is Megan and I USED to be a lesbian, but the Robertson family has shown me the light and now I FUCKING LOVE COCK! GIVE ME COCK RIGHT NOW!!!!! I’M SOOOOOOO HUNGRY………for COCK! I don’t care who the fuck you are or what the fuck diseases you have, I will suck and fuck your cock for free! Start forming a fucking circle around me fellas, I want jizz shooting all over my face from 20 different directions!”
“Ummmm, hi, my name is Herb and this camp worked for me. If any of you guys out there are looking to have some fun and wrestle me, I’ll be glad to show you how to properly administer Uncle Pat’s Pelvis Buster Deluxe. Then we can go out and find some nice womenfolk, I’m sure we would impress them a lot if we wrestled in front of them and I gave you an El Salvadoran Taint Clawing. If that doesn’t work, maybe we can just have some fun together and keep wrestling each other.”
If you are looking to change your life, give me and my Uncle Pat a try!
Ok folks, that’s all I’ve got for now. Hopefully I’ve helped these fine establishments gain some new recruits. Until next time, peace out!
(This blog was originally written and posted by me, aka: Mr Judd, on 2/10/2009 on my Myspace blog)
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