The Journey of the Great Homunculus

It was the Spring of 1981. Reagan had just been shot, the band “Yes” broke up, and I was formed in the seminiferous tubules of my dad’s left testicle. As a young homunculus piloting a sperm cell, life in my father’s left testicle was very trying. There were hundreds of millions of folks just like me, and more and more were created just as fast as we were shipped out. Sadly, most of them were addicted to crack and heroin. They couldn’t help it, as crack and heroin was by far the most abundant food source in my father’s system for us to eat.

I stayed away from that stuff and spent most of the time with a few other homunculi who did the same. Before too long, I experienced tragedy for the first time in my young life as two of my 3 best friends went missing one evening. Word from the boys at the top was that my dad had masturbated and shot them out of his penis into a tissue. “What nerve he has” I said. “Doesn’t he know that every time a man masturbates he essentially commits 60 million abortions?” Yes indeed, your everyday run-of-the-mill chronic masturbator makes Hitler look like Mother Theresa!

I thought about those 60 million poor dead sperm cells and realized that I could very well follow in their foot steps very soon after. More and more of my fellow homunculi brethren were sent to their demise over the next 24 hours. It was unbelievable! I swear that on one occasion my father killed the entire population of China in sperm while watching just ONE episode of “Three’s Company”.

My time would soon follow. The next evening, while my father was raping a homeless prostitute, I felt a strong current pull me upwards out of his testicle and into his urethra. We approached the summit of his penile shaft. I reached the end of his penis only to find the most horrific site imaginable. Thousands upon thousands of my comrades failed to make it into the homeless prostitute’s vaginal opening, and were instead vacuumed backwards into the foreskin of his uncircumcised penis. Have you ever heard the sound of 100,000 people dying at the same time? Well, that’s what it sounded like, because that’s what was happening.

I swam up the prostitute’s vaginal canal towards an egg I had spotted off in the distance. Thankfully for me, most of the other homunculi were addicted to crack and heroin, and all they seemingly did was spin around in circles while begging an invisible dragon to give them some more heroin. I reached the egg first and swam inside of it. I wasn’t alone for long though, as a strong-looking fellow male homunculus also reached the egg and managed to penetrate its thick shell. His name was Larry.

Larry and I spent the next few months growing ever so rapidly inside of our mother’s uterus. The food supply was scarce to say the least. I guess this shouldn’t have surprised us, as our mother was both homeless and a hooker. We had an ample supply of protein due to a magical hose that popped up through her cervix 10 times a day, but no significant supply of any other kind of nutrient was present. Larry and I liked to pass the time by drawing up grids on our mother’s uterine lining and playing games of Sudoku on it.

One night, about four months into our stay at the hotel Uterus, we overheard our mother arguing with a man who went by the name of “Silk Teddy Cashmoney-4-lyfe”. He was her pimp. The pimp claimed that she was a no-good trick bitch and she stole money from him. Our mother then started moving around quickly, but was brought to a screeching halt when her pimp smacked her across the face and then punched her in the stomach. The punch to the stomach shook me around like crazy! I ducked down in fear of another blow from Silk Teddy’s strong pimp hand. That blow never came, and an eerie silence loomed within the depths of the uterus. I then looked over and saw my brother Larry. He had experienced the wrath of the angry pimp hand head on. His skull was crushed. His hands weren’t moving. He wasn’t breathing. My brother Larry was dead.

Life became even more difficult after Larry’s death. My mother had lost her job as a prostitute. No longer would a magical hose shoot up through her vagina and shoot protein milkshakes at my brother and I. The food supply was completely exhausted and I didn’t know what to do. I went 10 days without eating a single morsel of food. I was starving, and furthermore, I was dying. Times like this often make even the sanest individuals go completely crazy, and I proved to be no exception.

On my eleventh day of starvation, I was forced to make the most horrible decision of my life. I was dying while staring at my brother who was already dead. I knew that the only hope I had to survive the ordeal and prevent myself from starving to death was to resort to what is perhaps the most inhumane behavior imaginable: cannibalism. The meat on Larry’s dead body proved to be more than sufficient for me to live on throughout the rest of the pregnancy. I ate like a king and had daily Larry sandwiches, Larryburgers, Larry-ka-bobs, Filet of Larry, and of course Larry Souvlaki until the glorious day when my mother’s birthing ritual began!

At this point I had been inside of her for almost 6 months and it was high time for her to perform the traditional birthing process. I screamed with delight as a copper-wire coat hanger crept up through her cervix and punctured my forehead. After months of pure hell, my day had finally come! I was pulled out of her vagina by the coat hanger, gave her labia a big hug and was immediately thrown into a big black garbage bag along with the remains of my dead brother Larry. My mother then threw the garbage bag into a back-alley dumpster. Thankfully, my dear mother was kind enough to queef out a few liters of mung into the bag as well. Between the mung and Larry’s rotting corpse, I had enough food to eat for 2 more years!

When my food ran out, I decided that it was time to exit the friendly confines of the garbage bag and take on the real world. I ripped open the plastic and entered paradise. I was in a land filled with cool boxes, broken toys, and half-eaten sandwiches and slices of pizza. There were garbage bags all around me, and each one of them proved to be a treasure chest of edibles and stuff to play with. As for the bathroom, it was all around me! The whole place stunk like shit and I held no restraint in going to the bathroom when I wanted, and wherever I wanted.

I think most of you already know how the rest of my story goes, but I’ll briefly fill the rest in on everything else. I grew up in paradise, had easy access to every amenity that you could think of, and grew up to fulfill my lifelong dream. That’s right folks, I took all of the right turns in life and ended up as the person that you all now know as Korean professional baseball player Byung-Hyun Kim:

me

Well folks, I hope you enjoyed reading about my marvelous journey as much as I’ve enjoyed actually living it. See you next time!

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Tags: Abortion, Adult-humor, byung-hyun kim, cannibalism, cervix, coathanger abortion, crack, crack baby, dead fetus, dead sperm, drinking sperm, dumpster baby, eating dead baby, funny, heroin, heroin baby, Hitler, homeless, homeless prostitute, homunculi, homunculus, Humor, in utero, living in balls, living in dumpster, living in landfill, living in utero, masturbating into tissue, millions dead, mother theresa, Mung, offensive humor, penile shaft, pimp, pimp cash money, pregnant prostitute, punch pregnant woman, queef, queefing mung, raping homeless, raping prostitute, reagan, seminiferous tubules, sperm, starvation, starving baby, sudoku, testicle, three's company, uncircumcised penis, uterus, vaginal canal, weird humor, yes

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