Greetings my fellow doomed Americans,

As many of you already know, our society was brainwashed into electing the Anti-Christ as our President last November.  Satan did a good job in disguising himself as a 15-year old Arab from Kenya, and America fell for it.

I tried to warn all of you last year about how bad things would be if we elected B. Hussein Osama.  Honestly I thought I gave a realistic viewpoint of the future when I predicted a Communist, Atheist nation overrun by terrorists where every person has a Jihad happening in their very backyard.  Little did I know that things would be even WORSE than I had predicted!

Not only did he torture us with bail-outs for multiple sectors of our economy, he is also jeopardizing our future by pulling troops out of Iraq  Now old B. Hussein is pulling his dirtiest, most hateful trick yet: TRYING TO PASS UNIVERSAL HEALTHCARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know that most of you are frightened and scared right now (unless you’re a pillowbiting liberal Atheist fetusfucker that is), and you have every right to be.  I will now use my expert intelligence to break down this healthcare bill and shed some light on what certain parts of it mean to you, the average respectable God-fearing “Joe the Plumber”

**ATTENTION: THIS IS A SPECIAL BREAKING NEWS BLOG ABOUT THE MOST DEADLY SHIT THAT HAS EVER FUCKING HAPPENED**

Holy FUCKING shit!  Have you guys heard about this new swine flu pandemic that’s killed off half of Mexico yet?  It’s the scariest shit like ever and all of America should be ready in arms to fight against this enemy of liberty!

Carnage left behind by killer flu

I was going to post about something else today, but feel that the swine flu epidemic is too important a topic to skip over.  Seriously folks, this is like everything Terminator 2 predicted and then some!

More footage from Mexico, where swine flu has taken over

I am currently writing this while in an underground bunker 40 feet below the ground.  I thank my lucky stars that I bought a new generator for my bunker last month, and have enough food rations to get by for awhile.

Random scary picture added to promote more paranoia among the American general public

I’ll be safe and sound in my bunker for a few months.  My only hope is that when I return to the surface, at least some human life will remain.  For the rest of this post, I will devote some time towards giving you the best advice possible for fighting off Swine Flu.

First off, you will want to start by containing the virus.  This can be easily achieved by forming a neighborhood watch group and looking for suspicious Swine Flu-related behavior in your neighborhood.

This could be YOU in 24 hours!

If you notice any of your neighbors taking part in any unusual activities such as: coughing, sneezing, making bowel movements and spending more than 4 minutes in the bathroom, grimacing in discomfort, favoring one leg, or peeing while sitting down, there is a STRONG chance that they, as well as the rest of their family have been infected with the sickness.

Will Swine Flu eat 9/11 whole, and then diarrhea blast it all over our faces?

You need to go around and mark off each of those houses.  After this is done, break into each marked house, tie up every person inside of it, and TORCH THE FUCKER TO THE GROUND!!!!!!

Will Swine Flu kill your children? Probably

After you have successfully killed quarantined those who have probably had some sort of a possibility of maybe being somewhat infected, you will want to fight fire with fire.  This can be achieved by attacking the Swine Flu head-on with a little of its own medicine: BACON!!!!!!!!!

Is bacon the new Jesus?

Grab all of the bacon you can, and ummmmm, like, throw it at some Swine Flu or something like that.  Everyone knows damn well that bacon is God’s greatest gift to humanity right next to Global Warming (I am LOVING this 85 degree weather in the Northeast in April), so it has to provide SOME kind of help.  Hell, there’s one guy on the internet who has made a BA-K 47 and plans on using it in our Jihad against Swine Flu:

Delicious and deadly, is there anything bacon CAN'T do?

Finally, I strongly advise avoiding all dead pigs that you may run across.

I've you've made it this far in the blog, chances are you already have Swine Flu

Try your best to avoid touching dead pigs, sharing needles with them, having sex with them, bathing in their blood, blowing lines of cocaine off of their asses, and feasting on the half-processed feces that lie within their small intestines.  I know that last one in particular may be hard for a lot of you, but if you value your life, you won’t do it.

That’s all of the advice I have for you right now.   I wish you all good luck and hope that your deaths are quick and painless.  I will close out by advising everyone to panic, because the End Times are clearly here.

Swine Flu: We're all fucked!

It was the Spring of 1981. Reagan had just been shot, the band “Yes” broke up, and I was formed in the seminiferous tubules of my dad’s left testicle. As a young homunculus piloting a sperm cell, life in my father’s left testicle was very trying. There were hundreds of millions of folks just like me, and more and more were created just as fast as we were shipped out. Sadly, most of them were addicted to crack and heroin. They couldn’t help it, as crack and heroin was by far the most abundant food source in my father’s system for us to eat.

I stayed away from that stuff and spent most of the time with a few other homunculi who did the same. Before too long, I experienced tragedy for the first time in my young life as two of my 3 best friends went missing one evening. Word from the boys at the top was that my dad had masturbated and shot them out of his penis into a tissue. “What nerve he has” I said. “Doesn’t he know that every time a man masturbates he essentially commits 60 million abortions?” Yes indeed, your everyday run-of-the-mill chronic masturbator makes Hitler look like Mother Theresa!

I thought about those 60 million poor dead sperm cells and realized that I could very well follow in their foot steps very soon after. More and more of my fellow homunculi brethren were sent to their demise over the next 24 hours. It was unbelievable! I swear that on one occasion my father killed the entire population of China in sperm while watching just ONE episode of “Three’s Company”.

My time would soon follow. The next evening, while my father was raping a homeless prostitute, I felt a strong current pull me upwards out of his testicle and into his urethra. We approached the summit of his penile shaft. I reached the end of his penis only to find the most horrific site imaginable. Thousands upon thousands of my comrades failed to make it into the homeless prostitute’s vaginal opening, and were instead vacuumed backwards into the foreskin of his uncircumcised penis. Have you ever heard the sound of 100,000 people dying at the same time? Well, that’s what it sounded like, because that’s what was happening.

I swam up the prostitute’s vaginal canal towards an egg I had spotted off in the distance. Thankfully for me, most of the other homunculi were addicted to crack and heroin, and all they seemingly did was spin around in circles while begging an invisible dragon to give them some more heroin. I reached the egg first and swam inside of it. I wasn’t alone for long though, as a strong-looking fellow male homunculus also reached the egg and managed to penetrate its thick shell. His name was Larry.

Larry and I spent the next few months growing ever so rapidly inside of our mother’s uterus. The food supply was scarce to say the least. I guess this shouldn’t have surprised us, as our mother was both homeless and a hooker. We had an ample supply of protein due to a magical hose that popped up through her cervix 10 times a day, but no significant supply of any other kind of nutrient was present. Larry and I liked to pass the time by drawing up grids on our mother’s uterine lining and playing games of Sudoku on it.

One night, about four months into our stay at the hotel Uterus, we overheard our mother arguing with a man who went by the name of “Silk Teddy Cashmoney-4-lyfe”. He was her pimp. The pimp claimed that she was a no-good trick bitch and she stole money from him. Our mother then started moving around quickly, but was brought to a screeching halt when her pimp smacked her across the face and then punched her in the stomach. The punch to the stomach shook me around like crazy! I ducked down in fear of another blow from Silk Teddy’s strong pimp hand. That blow never came, and an eerie silence loomed within the depths of the uterus. I then looked over and saw my brother Larry. He had experienced the wrath of the angry pimp hand head on. His skull was crushed. His hands weren’t moving. He wasn’t breathing. My brother Larry was dead.

Life became even more difficult after Larry’s death. My mother had lost her job as a prostitute. No longer would a magical hose shoot up through her vagina and shoot protein milkshakes at my brother and I. The food supply was completely exhausted and I didn’t know what to do. I went 10 days without eating a single morsel of food. I was starving, and furthermore, I was dying. Times like this often make even the sanest individuals go completely crazy, and I proved to be no exception.

On my eleventh day of starvation, I was forced to make the most horrible decision of my life. I was dying while staring at my brother who was already dead. I knew that the only hope I had to survive the ordeal and prevent myself from starving to death was to resort to what is perhaps the most inhumane behavior imaginable: cannibalism. The meat on Larry’s dead body proved to be more than sufficient for me to live on throughout the rest of the pregnancy. I ate like a king and had daily Larry sandwiches, Larryburgers, Larry-ka-bobs, Filet of Larry, and of course Larry Souvlaki until the glorious day when my mother’s birthing ritual began!

At this point I had been inside of her for almost 6 months and it was high time for her to perform the traditional birthing process. I screamed with delight as a copper-wire coat hanger crept up through her cervix and punctured my forehead. After months of pure hell, my day had finally come! I was pulled out of her vagina by the coat hanger, gave her labia a big hug and was immediately thrown into a big black garbage bag along with the remains of my dead brother Larry. My mother then threw the garbage bag into a back-alley dumpster. Thankfully, my dear mother was kind enough to queef out a few liters of mung into the bag as well. Between the mung and Larry’s rotting corpse, I had enough food to eat for 2 more years!

When my food ran out, I decided that it was time to exit the friendly confines of the garbage bag and take on the real world. I ripped open the plastic and entered paradise. I was in a land filled with cool boxes, broken toys, and half-eaten sandwiches and slices of pizza. There were garbage bags all around me, and each one of them proved to be a treasure chest of edibles and stuff to play with. As for the bathroom, it was all around me! The whole place stunk like shit and I held no restraint in going to the bathroom when I wanted, and wherever I wanted.

I think most of you already know how the rest of my story goes, but I’ll briefly fill the rest in on everything else. I grew up in paradise, had easy access to every amenity that you could think of, and grew up to fulfill my lifelong dream. That’s right folks, I took all of the right turns in life and ended up as the person that you all now know as Korean professional baseball player Byung-Hyun Kim:

me

Well folks, I hope you enjoyed reading about my marvelous journey as much as I’ve enjoyed actually living it. See you next time!

Hello to all of you poor recession-rattled third world Americans and Europeans who can’t afford to eat or buy clothing!

My Previous blog post dealt with honing your job interviewing skills. I have decided to make this into a blog series that covers some basic stuff to help you out during the recession. I have a few topics in mind to discuss, and today I will focus on continuing your education.

Now, most people will advise you to go back to college to upgrade your skills. I hate to break it to you, but if your intention is to stick out from the crowd, this WILL NOT work! I have taken the time to look at some more “unorthodox” schools that will provide with training that virtually nobody else has. They have all paid me a substantial sum of money to promote their schools on my blog, so without further adieu, here they are!

Up first we have:

Mack Johnson’s Cockfight Training Academy

“Nothing Impresses the Ladies Like a Champion Cock”

Mack Johnson’s Cockfight Training Academy is located in Topeka, Kansas and offers you the chance to become an ace cock breeder and trainer. Here you will get to work hands-on with some of the finest cocks and learn the best methods of raising superior cocks for use in fighting such as genetic engineering, and cross-breeding them with Turkish people.

That’s not all, you’ll learn Mack Johnson’s patented time tested ancient Greco-Roman cockfighting maneuvers so that you can try them out for yourself on your very own cocks!

When you’ve finished Mack’s program, you’ll be able to make mad cash by raising up the nastiest cocks around and using them in fights!

(PS: Thanks to Doctor Handsome for this awesome photo.)

Secondly, we have:

Headie Jeff’s Dank Dope Dealin’ School

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyy buddies! This is your old pal Headie Jeff, huh-huh. Look man, shit is fuckin SERIOUS right now! People are losing their jobs left and right and turning to drugs to deal with their depression!

This is where you come in man. I need a few more heads out on the street to sell some of my uber-crunchy merchandise. All you have to do is pay me a few grand up front, and then you can be either a street dealer, a gun man, or a coke mule. Once you sell your shit, just reimburse my cost, and pay a small premium of 80% of your profit, then YOU KEEP THE REST! We will provide ALL training and teach you how to avoid narcs, how to shove a condom full of heroin in your asshole and sneak it through an airport, and how to sexually stimulate a police dog that is trying to attack you!

My limited liability dope-slangin corporation has been trying some new innovative shit to make more money, such as cutting our cocaine with donkey laxatives, and also covering schwag weed with raid bug spray and pawning them off as Phatty Nuggets!

People have been over-paying like SHIT for these bunk drugs, so if you’re interested in joining an innovative, thriving operation where you’ll receive benefits such as: 5% off on all drugs and a free Grateful Dead concert bootleg on cassette tape, hit me up!

The Third school is:

Gerard Depardieu Impersonator Technical School

Are you looking to make loads of cash and lick TONS of pussy while you’re at it?

If so, look no further! The Gerard Depardieu Impersonator Technical School is a world-renowned educational institution that puts all of its students through an intensive 7-year academic program. When you’ve finished the program and successfully completed a 3-year overseas internship, you will officially become a GERARD DEPARDIEU IMPERSONATOR!!!!!

Just think about it. You’ll get paid LOADS OF CASH to show up at parties dressed up as the famous French actor, and hot, fresh pussy will literally FLOCK to you (“Gerard Depardieu” *wink*). You will be able to LICK SHITLOADS OF TIGHT, FRESHLY SHAVEN PUSSY AND GET PAID FOR IT!

Only a moron would pass up an opportunity like this. Wait…….you’re not a MORON are you? What the fuck are you waiting for? Classes begin in May.

Finally, this last school may offend some of you. I personally do not endorse it, as it’s disgusting and not even really a school, but they paid me a ridiculous sum of money just to advertise it on my blog, so here goes nothing:

Robertson Ministry’s “Pay the Gay Away” Camp

Gary P. Robertson: Head Counselor/Homosexual Rehabilitation Specialist

Are you gay? Do you think that there’s nothing you can do about it?

Really?

Have you tried going to a “Pray the gay Away” camp?

Did it work?

Hi folks, I’m Gary P. Robertson, nephew of the world famous minister Pat Robertson. Uncle Pat knows that Pray the Gay Away camps aren’t effective, and this is why he is funding new program that will be ran by me called PAY the Gay Away. My good old uncle Pat has decided to start up a camp where he personally will PAY YOU $10,000 if you make it through our 15-week program and successfully destroy the homosexual demons that are inside of you. In addition to the money, you’ll leave with the new valuable trait of not having Jesus want to beat you with a baseball bat.

The girls at our camp will go through a highly penis-intensive program. They’ll be forced to carry around prosthetic penises around at all times and eat off of them, sleep with them, and most importantly, slap each other across the face with them and beg to be slapped over-and-over again with them because penises are SOOOO unbelievably hot and getting sprayed in the face with hot semen is the greatest thing that can ever happen to a woman.

As for the guys, the camp will focus on one thing and one thing only: good old fashioned manly ROUGH HOUSING! We’ll make all of the males wrestle with one another all day and night and teach them little girly fellas how to be macho men!

They’ll learn how to dominate in any kind of wrestling match with one of the guys by using Robertson family patented moves such as:

“Uncle Pat’s Pelvis Buster Deluxe”

“The Alabama Reacharound”

“The Ocular Cavity Shimmy and Shake”

and finally…………..

“The El Salvadoran Taint Clawing”

Our methods truly do work, but don’t take it from me! Here are a couple of testimonials from our original focus group that we first tested our methods on:

“Howdy, my name is Megan and I USED to be a lesbian, but the Robertson family has shown me the light and now I FUCKING LOVE COCK! GIVE ME COCK RIGHT NOW!!!!! I’M SOOOOOOO HUNGRY………for COCK! I don’t care who the fuck you are or what the fuck diseases you have, I will suck and fuck your cock for free! Start forming a fucking circle around me fellas, I want jizz shooting all over my face from 20 different directions!”

“Ummmm, hi, my name is Herb and this camp worked for me. If any of you guys out there are looking to have some fun and wrestle me, I’ll be glad to show you how to properly administer Uncle Pat’s Pelvis Buster Deluxe. Then we can go out and find some nice womenfolk, I’m sure we would impress them a lot if we wrestled in front of them and I gave you an El Salvadoran Taint Clawing. If that doesn’t work, maybe we can just have some fun together and keep wrestling each other.”

If you are looking to change your life, give me and my Uncle Pat a try!

Ok folks, that’s all I’ve got for now. Hopefully I’ve helped these fine establishments gain some new recruits. Until next time, peace out!

(This blog was originally written and posted by me, aka: Mr Judd, on 2/10/2009 on my Myspace blog)

Hello out there my fellow Americans (and other sub-American species such as: everyone else)!

Normally I try to start my posts out on a positive note, but times are tough right now and the challenges that we face are too real for tomfoolery. The economy is currently in the shitter, and many of you are currently looking for employment.

The problem is that there is a greater supply of workers than jobs right now, so in order to land a job that will feed your family, you need to be able to stick out from the rest of the crop in the ever-growing talent pool.

That’s why I’m here. For those of you that don’t already know, I’m a bit of a business buff, or guru if you will…….no, make that “God”. One of my THREE (yes, I am better than you) degrees is in Human Resources, and I have studied the art of interviewing extensively. The biggest obstacle to overcome when attempting to gain employment is impressing a potential employer at an interview. This is why it is of the utmost importance that you mentally prepare yourself to answer the questions that may be asked to you during your interview.

Some additional advice that I can lend to you is to always have examples of previous accomplishments of yours to back up your answer to a question, always be positive in your responses, and if possible, throw in a funny anecdote. Don’t be afraid to show that you have a sense of humor! Finally, MAKE SURE you compliment the interviewer and kiss their asses as much as possible!

Here are some of the most common interview questions that you will have to answer. Each one is accompanied with an example of a strong response. Feel free to use my examples in your next interview!

Q: How did you go about choosing the college that you attended?

A: Well, when I was a junior in high school, I thought I would try to apply to an actual good school in the area like Carnegie Mellon, Pitt, or Penn State. But in my senior year, I went on from simply being a pothead to using some harder stuff like acid and mushrooms, and I found that I was simply too high most of the time to do any work or to really give a flying fuck about anything at all. So I just applied to a community college that I figured any dipshit could get into, and as it turned out, I was “any dipshit”!

Q: Why do you want to work for our company?

A: Because you motherfuckers have mad cash. You know, the scrizzle, the skrilla, dope money, and I want in on some of that loot my Negro! Not to mention I saw some fly-ass honeys on my way into your office. How many of those bitches have kids? I’d definitely like to peep some of that pussy out! Plus that blouse you’re wearing right now is very revealing, I’ve got half a woody as we speak so I’m gonna cover my hard dick with my briefcase for a few minutes……….naw fuck it, can I just take a quick 5 minutes and punch my clown in the bathroom? I’ll pay you $30 if your bra is off when I come back.

Q: Give me an example of a time when you were placed in a
situation where at first you didn’t know how to react, but eventually solved the problem, and tell me how you went about solving the problem.

A: That’s a great question, and might I add that I loved watching your sexy milk jug tits jiggle when you were asking it to me. A while back at my old job, I took what was supposed to be a 10-minute shit break during the middle of my shift. To my surprise, a meatloaf sized turd comes out of my ass, you know, one of those ones that make you grunt like a motherfucker when you’re trying to squeeze it out? When I was done, I clogged the fucking toilet and shit water over-flowed onto the floor.

Pfft, my sorry ass was fucked over harder than a 10 year old white kid at the Neverland Ranch. But then I thought fast, and immediately went up to my boss and told him that the Arab guy that worked there made a mess in the bathroom and was talking about how he ate one too many sticks of hummus, or bowls of hummus or some shit like that. My boss believed me and fired the dude right on the spot!

Q: Give me an example of a time when you showed strong
leadership and motivated others to do something. How did you motivate them?

A: The first thing that pops into my head is the time that I organized a public protest. I rounded up about 5 or 6 of my weed clients, and told them that I would give them each a free half-ounce if they helped me organize the rally. Sure enough, it worked, and we had 50 people in the middle of New York City holding up signs that said: “9/11 Was an Inside Job!”

I led the way as we informed all of the people on the streets about how 9/11 was a big government conspiracy and the Bush administration orchestrated the entire thing. We even had a re-enactment where 2 guys dressed up in World Trade Center costumes, while another guy came in dressed as Dick Cheney with a hunting rifle and shot the other 2 guys down!

Q: In your mind, what is the “ideal company”?

A: Wow, another great question. If your tits were doing the talking instead of your mouth, this interview would be perfect! In my mind, the ideal company would have no minorities or women working there. Or, if they had some, the minorities and women would all have the shittiest fucking jobs possible, and the real jobs would be left for all of the white men, who would be Americans with either German or British ancestry, because we all know damn well that they are the best breed of humans. The company would offer exceptional benefits to guys like me, such as a free Ferrari that I could cruise around and smoke phatty blunts in while trying to pick up some loose cunt.

Q: What did you learn at your last job, and why did you
leave the company?

A: I learned that taking off my pants in front of one of my female co-workers, then pulling the skin of my balls over my dick and asking her if she thinks I should pierce my taint constitutes this one thing called “sexual harassment”, I guess it’s a new concept. I left because after that, all of the girls at my job formed picket lines at the front door when I would come in to work, and I was just sick and tired of having to bring a cattle prod and my pit bulls with me to work every day just so that I could fight my way to the fucking door.

Q: Can you explain to me why you haven’t had a job in more than a year? This is quite a substantial gap for a person to have on their resume, and I’d like to know what you have been doing this whole time.

A; Well fuck you too! It’s only been 16 months! You wanna know what I’ve been doing? JACK SHIT motherfucker! I’m lazy as hell! I swindled the government and have been collecting unemployment and food stamps this whole time, but now they
figured me out, so I gotta get a job!

Q: Why should I hire you? What can you do for this company that the other candidates applying for this position can’t?

A: You should hire me because I have a consistent record of being very popular amongst my peers at every job I have ever held. For example, I banged 5 waitresses at this one restaurant I used to work at. No other guy there fucked more than 2 the whole time I was there! Plus the first 2 bitches I fucked complained that I gave them crabs and anal warts, yet 3 MORE bitches still wanted a piece of my dick! As for the guys, I always made them laugh when I would show up an hour and a half late for work still drunk off my ass from the night before. I made sure to bring a full flask of whiskey with me to drink while working too so that I could be funny all day. Plus I was always there in a pinch when one of my co-workers needed some bomb-ass dank buds. I held that place together. THAT is what I can do for YOU!

Well, that’s all of the advice that I have for now. Hopefully you have learned a lot and will be prepared for your next interview like never before! Best of wishes and good luck to you all!

If you have any additional questions, give me a shout in the
comments!

Peace,

-J

(This was originally written and posted by me, aka: JJ, on my Myspace profile on 1/24/2009)

Well then, good riddance to you assholes, I hate you all anyway and you’re definitely not getting invited to my birthday party!

Oh wait, that was supposed to be at the end, my bad. Let me start again.

Hi there you bunch of white devil cracka-ass crackaz!

Moving on, as some of you may have already noticed, I am a very innovative person when it comes to cursing. I had a foul mouth at a very young age in part because I grew up with only one sibling, who is 6 years older than me, and had a big time potty mouth by the time she was 14 (and I was 8). Of course, little Judd would try to fit in and “look cool” when my sister had friends over, so I picked up cursing at a young age to impress the older ladies.

Because of this, by the time I reached 18 or so, your regular old-fashioned run of the mill curse words and dirty phrases had already grown old to me, so I started making up some new ones of my own. I have always had a habit of combining curse words and making new ones, and there are several that I liked so much that I still regularly use them to this day.

I will now provide these words and phrases to you. Whether or not I was the first person in the world to use them is a question that I cannot definitively provide an answer for. But I can tell you that I’m pretty sure that I had never heard of any of them before I started using them. At the very least, the context I use some of these words in is unique to me. If you’ve read a lot of my blogs, you may already be familiar with some of them.

Are you ready to learn some cool new words and phrases?

Good then, let’s kick this box social into high gear!

Anal Abortion- this term refers to a massive and gigantic turd that your butt gave birth to. In fact, the turd is so big that you take a close gander at it just to make sure it doesn’t have gills on its sides and it isn’t a breathing and living thing. After you have confirmed that it is not alive, you also come to the conclusion that at one point in the not-so-distant past, it probably was alive, so it is considered an abortion. An example of using it in a sentence is: “I just had an Anal Abortion in the bathroom that was the size of a Subway Italian BMT!”. I first used it around 2002-2003 after eating a bunch of food at Taco bell.

Shitcock- I’ve used this one since high school after spouting it off at random to a friend. In the context that I have always used it, it is a substitute for saying “God Damn It”.

Penal Queef- this was my bowling name one time. I also use it regularly and define it as (obviously) a fart coming from the penis.

Pounds Vag!- instead of saying: “Wow, that really kicks ass”, I say: “Hot damn, that really pounds vag!”.

Hulkabeastie- This is another one from the high school days. Hulkabeastie as a word refers to masturbating, as in “I’m going to play with my cock and balls and Hulkabeastie.” Another accepted variation would be to say “I am Hulking a Beastie”.

Fuckhole- When someone is beyond being just an asshole, they are a fuckhole. This one is widely used nowadays, but I first started calling my friends fuckholes in 7th or 8th grade. Show me a reference of the word being used before 1995, and I’ll remove my claim.

Christbag- When I was 18, I wrote a short story that was highly circulated around my high school. The main character was named “Balky Christbag.” At that point Christbag fever officially caught on in my town. People were so entranced by the last name of my character that we started calling one another “Christbags” in lieu of “Douchebags”.

Cocksqueedle- I often say “cocksqueedle” instead of “God Damn it” and “Son of a Bitch”. People laugh a lot when I say it because it sounds so funny.

Anal Jihad- I started using this word a few years back when describing hard core angry anal sex. If your anal work is inspired and passionate enough, you may say that you laid your partner down in bed and launched an “Anal Jihad” on her/him.

Fagfucker- This has probably been used by others in the past, but I hadn’t heard it before I used it. I use it as a quirky and fun substiute to words like “Asshole”, “Dickhead”, and “Douchebag”. For example, I might say: ‘Shut up you fagfucker!”

Fetusfucker- same definition as Fagfucker. Boy, the look on one of your good friend’s face when they first hear you call them a “Fetusfucker” is priceless!

Bitchtits- This is a kind of manboob. The official definition I have given to the term “Bitchtits” is when a man’s boobs are sweating so very profusely that a sweat ring forms around the outline of his tits on his shirt, and the sweat ring covers more than 50% of the circumference of his breast. By my calculation, the sweat of a man with Bitchtits contains about 30% undigested mayonaise.

And finally, I have several variations of the commonly used “Jesus Christ”, “Jesus H. Christ”, and “Jesus Christ on a Cross!”. The ones I use the most include:

Jesus Jim Caviezel on a Cross!

Jesus Christ on a Coke Binge!

Jesus Analraping Christ (yeah I know, that one is extra bad, but once again, the reactions on people’s faces make it all worth while).

Jesus Kris Kristofferson on a Cross!

Jesus Hezekiah Christ

Jesus Homunculus Christ

Jesus Hector-Camacho Christ

Ok, that’s all I can think of for now. If I remember more, I’ll be sure to add them. I hope you all learned some cool new words. Do you have any cool “underground” curse words and phrases that you’d like to share?

I’ll close out by saying that I cannot verify if I was the one who came up with all of these, so if you plan on being a smart-ass by doing research on some of them in order to fact check me, you can eat it you Fetusfucking Christbag!

Thank you

That is all

(This was originally written and posted by me on my Myspace page on 1/15/2009)

Hello there,

Football season is nearing its end and we are a mere 2 and a half weeks until the Super Bowl.  If you’re a fan of either the Steelers, the Ravens, the Eagles, or the Cardinals, this is quite an exciting time for you.

The match-up that I can’t wait to see is, of course, the Steelers versus the Ravens.

Around here, it seems like every business has a “Go Steelers” sign in its window and everyone is very hyped up.  This has caused me to reflect on the Steelers’ run 3 years ago to a Super Bowl Championship and a lot of great memories come to mind.

Before 2006, my generation had only seen the Steelers repeatedly lose in AFC Championship games and lose one Superbowl in 1996, where Neil O’Donnell was paid off to throw the worst 2 interceptions in Super Bowl history.  Our parents had seen them win 4 Super Bowls in the 1970’s, but we were merely cockteased by AFC Championship game appearances.

This all changed 3 years ago, and my friends and I are of the belief that we had a lot to do with it.  Before their game against the Colts in the Divisional round of the playoffs, I came up with a concept to provide the team with good luck.  A lot of people drink Iron City Beer during Steeler games as a superstition to bring the team good luck.

However, I made the argument that to truly bring the team good luck, we should have to make a sacrifice in order to help out the team.  Iron City is actually fairly decent tasting, so I suggested that instead of drinking that, we should abuse ourselves during every Steeler playoff game by drinking the worst locally brewed beer possible, “Old German”

Old German is best characterized as a beer that tastes like a combination of diesel fuel and aluminum.  It has a lovely picture of a German man wearing liederhosen on the can, and is the cheapest beer around.  The rationale that I used for drinking it was that, if we forced ourselves to consume Old German in the name of the Steelers, it would be like Jesus dying on the cross for humanity’s sins.  I likened it to our very own “Passion of the Christ”.

My friends and I all drank Old German during the Steelers/Colts game, as well as the AFC Championship.  After the AFC Championship victory, I was so wasted off of the Old German that when I went up to the bars to celebrate, I actually got kicked out of a bar at 10pm.  Apparently I was so drunk that I literally couldn’t even drink anymore. I was double-fisting 2 beer bottles, and everytime I tried to drink out of them I ended up just dumping beer all over my face.  Then I accused the bartender of stealing my jacket, even though it was still up on the coat rack, and fell over 3 chairs while bitching him out for stealing my shit.

I went home and slept for 14 hours uninterrupted.  I drank so much that I pissed myself………..probably more than once too, because it seemed as though someone had dumped a 10 gallon bucket of piss on my bed.  One of my friends was so drunk that he got up out of bed at 7am (while living at his parents’ house), walked into his kitchen where his mother was making breakfast, opened up the lid to the garbage can, pissed in it and then went back to bed.

Then came the Super Bowl against Seattle.  I think I had something like 15 Old German pounders in me before the end of the game.  I still findly remember yelling and screaming like never before when Hines Ward caught the touchdown pass that sealed the deal in the fourth quarter.

After the game was over, the Old German took over me.  I picked up my friend’s couch off of the ground and suggested that we burn it in the frontyard in celebration of the Steelers’ Super Bowl victory.  Then we made our way outside, covered the couch in brake fluid and torched the fucker.  We went out to the bars after that of course.  On the walk there, a police officer was yelling at us to get out of the middle of the street.  My drunkest friend responded by yelling “FUCK YOU FAGGOT!” to the police officer, who proceeded to hit my friend with his billy club 3 times.  My friend was so drunk that it didn’t even phase him, and he just walked away.

I doubt I’ll party that hard if the Steelers win this year again as I’ve settled down a lot since then, but I have made preliminary plans to watch the game on Sunday with some of my friends and drink Old German.

Do any of you have fond idiotic memories of watching your team win a championship?  Does your town go completely insane when one of your teams wins?

I also remember the Penguins winning their first Stanley Cup when I was 11.  I went into a big-time K-Hole after snorting 4 grams of Special K and beat up a bunch of Minnesota North Star fans………….but THAT’s a different story all together (or an outright lie).

I am absolutely sick and tired of all the partisan bickering I see on here.  I’ve seen far too many people get hurt, and I can’t stand it anymore!  Elections shouldn’t be about saying hurtful things about people who have different viewpoints than your own.   Our country is at a time of great turmoil.  So many problems plague us, and no one is sure which of the 2 ruling parties have the best solutions.

That is why I have come up with a new concept that I think you guys should take a minute or two to read about.  I strongly believe that this is the one true solution to all of our problems, so please give me your ear and lend me your heart. This is an uncharacteristically serious blog for me.  I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t care so much.

Imagine this, my dear friends.  What if, instead of having multiple parties who fight over everything, we just had one single party in this country?

Imagine………….

What if we had one controlling party who represented ALL of the people in the USA?

One party, a grand, God-like party that took care of all of our problems the way they see best fit.  We could find one single person who is qualified to lead this party, and let him lead us for the rest of his life.

Imagine………….

There would be no need for running down the other side, because we would be all on the same side.  All opposing viewpoints would be squashed without question or reason.

Imagine………….

There would be no need for nasty elections, because the one single party of the people would ALWAYS be in control.

Imagine…………

We would no longer need to conduct “class warfare” and argue over who should be taxed what amount.  Our government would take ALL of our money and pay us what they see fit to pay.  We would all truly be EQUAL in their eyes.  Wouldn’t that be beautiful?

Imagine…………

If the government controls our money, the problem of illegal immigration would be solved.  You would HAVE to be a citizen of the USA to receive any money.

Imagine………….

There would be no more fighting over religion, because we would all be on the same side and worship our country and its leaders.

Look at how patriotic the North Koreans are.  They worship the LEADER of THEIR people like a God.  Their patriotism is unquestioned.

Imagine……………

So many people complain about “biased” media.  What if all of our news was controlled and presented to us by our own government?  Wouldn’t it be great?  We would get to hear the FACTS and nothing but the FACTS from the government run by our party, the ONLY party, or simply: “The Party”.

Rogue partisan media members would be SILENCED and your precious minds, and most importantly the minds of our children, wouldn’t be brainwashed by a biased media’s viewpoint.  Internet sites that offered up differing opinions from the government’s opinion would be BLOCKED and their authors would be exterminated.

Imagine…………..

Never again would we encounter a problem that our country couldn’t solve without a simple holy war or genocide.  The holy wars and genocides would be nothing that a few mass graves couldn’t cover up and make everyone completely forget about.

Never again would we need to worry about our place within our society.  There would be no rich people, no poor people, just……….people, people with an undoubted faith that their government will do what’s best for them.

Never again would we worry about what other countries think of us.  Members of our government would be the only ones who made any sort of communication with outsiders.

Imagine……………

My friends, you may say that I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one.  I firmly believe that my suggestion is the best remedy for all of the problems we face.  My fellow Americans, we CAN make this dream happen if we work together.  This could be our reality.  How great would that be?

Please discuss my wonderful theory and address any further questions to me.  And might I add, please hold nothing back when telling me how truly brilliant I am for coming up with this concept.

Thank you for your time.

When having sex, many people like to fantasize about doing someone else in order to make things a bit more exciting.  It gets boring when you bang the same person over and over again, so in order to spice things up, many of us will fantasize that we are having sex with another person, such as a famous celebrity.

This works wonders, but am I the only person who takes it one step farther, and also thinks of other people when I am masturbating?

Don’t get confused by my question.  I’m not referring to thinking about fucking various people while I’m beating my dick like a red-headed step-child.  What I’m talking about here is the act of pretending that you are someone else masturbating.  I get sick and tired of being plain old me, jerking off my 3 inches of fury while crying and wishing my body hadn’t skipped some of the essential parts of puberty, such as growing pubic hair and fully developing my genitalia.

Oftentimes, I like to pretend as though I’m an important person when I jerk off.  Not only is it more exciting, it also adds more meaning to the experience for me.

For example, the other day, I was choking the old chicken and the whole time, I pretended that I was British actor Rhys Ifans:

There I was on a movie set getting ready for a lovemaking scene with Winona Ryder, and I started to get nervous about accidentally popping a woody while she was dry-humping me.  I mean, come on now, I’m RHYS FUCKING IFANS!  I have a reputation to withhold.  I don’t want Miss Ryder going around and telling everyone that I’m a perv who gets wood while shooting scenes in a movie.  That would hurt my credentials as both an actor and as an honorable Welshman!

So, in order to prevent some sort of calamity from occurring, I run into my dressing room, grab some lube and make love to myself in hopes that this will calm my ever-excitable penis down long enough to shoot the scene with Miss Ryder.

It gets hotter than that though.  Just last week I was masturbating and I pretended that I was Arizona Cardinals Quarterback Kurt Warner:

There I was: Gameday, 10am.  We were about to play a home game against the Seattle Seahawks, and I needed to get my mind in game mode.  If we won the game, we would have a 2 game lead in the division.  The only problem was that I knew deep in my heart that it didn’t matter if we won or lost, I was still going to have to go home and have sex with the gremlin who follows me around to all of my games:

Her name is Brenda, and according to her we’re married.  Somehow this monstrous succubus managed to steal my soul and force me to marry her.  I dread having sex with her.  She bites me repeatedly, wraps me in a coccoon, claws open my stomach and devours my entrails before swallowing my head with her gigantic vagina that is armed with 12 layers of razor sharp teeth.

I’m a horny guy however, and I need to have sex at least once a day.  So on this day, I get to the Cardinals’ locker room earlier than everyone else and quietly jerk off in the shower before anyone else comes in.  I bring along the gloves of Wide Receivers Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin and ejaculate on them, so that they’ll be sticky and my receivers will be able to catch all of the balls I throw them during the game.

When I reach climax, 2 birds are killed with one stone.  I have achieved my required sexual gratification for the day so that I won’t have to settle for sex with the gremlin, and my receivers have an epoxy on their gloves that will aid them during the game!  Booyah!

Those 2 visions, while quite pleasurable, pale in comparison to the fantasy I had 3 days ago.  I’ll now break down what happened in my mind while I was laying in bed flogging my salami and choking myself with an Amish-made leather belt.

The year was 1957, and the Cold War was heating up.  Red Soviet spies and undercover KGB operatives snuck into the Pentagon and stole a top secret veil of President Eisenhower’s semen.  They had planned on making a clone of Ike Eisenhower, kidnapping the real President, and installing his clone as the leader of the USA.  The KGB clone would then steal all of America’s nuclear warhead codes and give them to the Soviet government!

The CIA knew damn well that there was only one person they could turn to in a crisis like this:

They flew me into the frozen tundra of Siberia and dropped me off, all alone.  It was up to me to save the country.  I was to destroy president Eisenhower’s semen and replace it with my own, so that the Commie Red bastards wouldn’t suspect a thing until it was far too late to retaliate.  I changed clothes and got out of my usual Sunday best:

Instead of that, I wore a sexy red loincloth with suspenders and uber-swanky cowboy boots:

I fought Lenin’s ghost to the death with one hand down my pants.  I didn’t come away cleanly though.  Lenin’s ghost managed to rip off one of my testicles.  I grabbed the jar of Dwight Eisenhower sperm and swallowed the contents, so that the Soviets had no way of finding any traces of it.  Then I stood there, with only one ball remaining, and jerked off into the jar as quickly as I could.  As you can probably imagine, jerking off with one testicle was tough, and I couldn’t do it without a little ummm, “help”, so I grabbed the nearest magazine and started flipping through the pages.  The magazine was filled with pictures of disgusting, roided up, naked Soviet Amazonians.  But then I thought about freedom, and liberty, and bald eagles, and god damn it, I jerked off for AMERICA!

I successfully replaced President Eisenhower’s semen with my own and saved the country from falling to the Commies!

So, you see, jerking off doesn’t have to be as mundane as most of you probably make it out to be.  You can be a cool actor who jerks off to save his reputation, a pro football player who jerks off so that he doesn’t have to screw his wife after the game, or a Secret Agent who saves the free world by beating off into a jar!

Have any of you ever tried doing this or thought about doing it?  Please discuss.

Thank you

That is all

We humans have been arguing about religion for some time now. Some quarrel over which of the thousands of religions to choose from is right, while others argue over the existence of any kind of supernatural higher power at all. We’re not alone in our quest to find the answers to the greatest mysteries of life. I’d like to take you into another world right now. Frankly, it’s a strange and disturbing world where the existence of God has become a hot-button issue. Now, without further adieu, I welcome all of you to take a glance into the world of religious philosophy………..as interpreted by adorable cuddly cute puppies.

First up, in this blog we will hear the viewpoint of a naysayer. He’s a liberal puppy who’s highly educated, and he feels that the religious beliefs of puppies are absolutely preposterous. In my next blog post, we will hear a counterpoint argument from a religious puppy.  This blog post will be a bit longer, as it is necessary to provide some background info on the puppy’s religious beliefs before debating them. That being said, please welcome Sparky:

Greetings to you all, my name is Sparky. I am an extremely cute and cuddly puppy, and I used to be like the rest of you. In my early months, I was brought up by my parents to believe in the teachings of the Puppy gospel, which states that we were all created by Jesus’s puppy, “Koresh”.

Many of us accept the teachings of Koresh, and his stated mission for all puppies:

” Ye shall abide by the rules I have set forth, and be well-mannered, adorable, cute and cuddly. Ye shall praise my name and pray in my name, and be rewarded with delicious pupperoni” -Neuteronomy 6:12

We puppies live Pupperoni-centric lives. We strive to look as snuggly as possible, and to be as good as possible, so that we will be rewarded with a hearty stick of Pupperoni:

But why do we like Pupperoni so much? Of course, the obvious reason for any rational, intelligent puppy is because it tastes exquisite. But for those of us who believe in the teachings of the Pupperoni God, a hearty red stick of Pupperoni is symbolic. Many puppies believe that eating Pupperoni is equivalent to eating the “red-rocket” of the Pupperoni God. They believe that in eating Pupperoni, they have blessed themselves with good fortune and strength by consuming the divine one’s red rocket, and they can pass his DNA onto their kin.

As I mentioned before, I used to believe this myself. But then I spent 2 weeks puppy training at a highly regarded private kennel club, and I began to see the blatant fallacies in the Pupperoni God’s teachings. Now that I am educated, I feel it is my duty to educate you.

I’m going to present a new idea to you. Now, as I do this, I’m assuming that you are an INTELLIGENT, KENNEL CLUB EDUCATED puppy with an open mind.

THE PUPPERONI GOD IS IMAGINARY!!!!!!!!!!

Hearing this may frighten you, but if you are an INTELLIGENT…..KENNEL CLUB EDUCATED puppy, perhaps you will find that what I say is true.

I’m now going to use some examples to explain why the Pupperoni God is imaginary. I will ask some tough questions and provide you with an example of how a typical believer in the Pupperoni God would respond to them, and then follow that up with an example of a rational answer that would come to the mind of an INTELLIGENT, KENNEL CLUB EDUCATED puppy.

My first question is: Does prayer actually work?

Many naïve puppies pray to Koresh in hopes that they will be rewarded with Pupperoni. There are 3 possible scenarios that can result: A- You pray for Pupperoni and get it. B- You don’t get Pupperoni right away, but if you believe in the Pupperoni God, you keep praying for Pupperoni and eventually get it. C- You never get Pupperoni, even if you are really good, and look incredibly cute all of the time.

The problem is, sometimes even good puppies never get Pupperoni. Why is this? Because the Pupperoni God is imaginary, and we are all rewarded with the good fortune of receiving Pupperoni on a completely random basis.

What would happen if we prayed to someone or something else for Pupperoni? Suppose I got down on my haunches and prayed to this for Pupperoni:

This is a piss stained carpet. If I prayed for Pupperoni to it, 3 possible scenarios could result: A- I get Pupperoni right away; B- I don’t get Pupperoni right away, but keep praying to the almighty piss stain, and eventually receive it; and C- I never receive Pupperoni

You see, the same results happen when you pray to the piss stained carpet! This is because the Pupperoni God is imaginary, and everything happens at random.

Let’s look at another example. Pictured below is a dog named Isabella:

She’s a cute, adorable puppy who’s always been a good girl. She snuggles with her owners, as well as their treacherous kids. For the past 4 months, she has been BEGGING the Pupperoni God for just one piece of Pupperoni, so that she too can eat the red rocket of the great Puppy diety.

Why doesn’t Isabella ever get Pupperoni?

Now, if you believe in the teachings of Koresh, you would say: “Well, it’s just not part of the Pupperoni God’s plan” or something like that. But, if you’re an INTELLIGENT, KENNEL CLUB EDUCATED puppy, you may come to a more rational conclusion such as: “Isabella never gets Pupperoni because the Pupperoni God is imaginary, and in this case, her owners are complete dicks who buy Beggin Strips instead, and everyone knows that Beggin Strips are an absolute abomination that taste nothing like actual bacon.”

My next question is: “Why does the Pupperoni God let bad things happen to good puppies?”

If Koresh is so loving and caring, then why does this guy exist?

The answer? Because the Pupperoni God is imaginary, and therefore occasionally some puppies will suffer the unfortunate fate of being purchased by complete scumbag assholes.

On the other hand, if Koresh is truly a fair and just God, then why do puppies that disobey his rules still get Pupperoni?

Many bad puppies still get Pupperoni on a regular basis. It doesn’t matter if they bite someone, shit on the carpet, or chew on things they’re not supposed to.

In addition, the “Pupperoni God” states that he is against homosexuality, and that no homosexual puppy will ever get Pupperoni. Take a look at these 2 adorable puppies:

Their names are Trevor and Cory, they live together, and they are a same-sex couple. They get Pupperoni every day in spite of your so called Puppygod. Why is this? Because the Pupperoni God is imaginary. I also wonder what kind of a God would condemn these 2 adorable puppies. They are cute and cuddly, and very good dogs. It just so happens that Trevor likes the taste of Cory’s nutsac, and vice versa. There’s nothing wrong with that, but according to your “Pupperoni God” there is.

Finally, I ask perhaps the most intriguing question of all: WHY does the Pupperoni god want you to eat his red rocket?

Seriously, this sounds more like a sick pagan ritual rather than a divine religious experience. What kind of a God would want his disciples to eat his wiener?

Furthermore, what kind of a fool would believe that eating another puppy’s dong would bring them good fortune?

THE PUPPERONI GOD IS IMAGINARY. Pupperoni is nothing more than a pepperoni-based product that tastes really, really good. If you are an INTELLIGENT, KENNEL CLUB EDUCATED puppy, this should be abundantly clear to you by now.

Thank you for your time today. I hope this was an enlightening experience for you. I also sincerely hope that all of my fellow INTELLIGENT, KENNEL CLUB EDUCATED puppies will see the truth in what I say. I mean, come on now! Do you really believe in fairytales? No one has ever seen the Pupperoni God and no human acknowledges Jesus ever having a puppy, so why do so many of you fools believe in this mystical puppy?

Until next time, remember that the PUPPERONI GOD IS IMAGINARY, but you should still keep being cuddly and cute, and you should remain a morally upstanding good puppy.